When Carol and I were first trying to bring some semblance of order to my writings—and then add her writing to the entire story of healing—we decided to pattern the healing process after Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s 5 Stages of Death. We both agreed that the betrayal and manipulation of children by the perps was worse than the loss of a loved one. Denial is still denial, but we changed "Anger” to “Rage” and “Depression” to “Despair.” The other names of the sections of Paperdolls, are the same. For the re-release, with the revamped title Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots, we added more sections including Evolve, Growth, Joy and Wisdom. Because, well, after all these years, thankfully, I am so much more than just a sexual abuse survivor.
Now that this substack, Paperdolls.Today has celebrated its 2 year anniversary, with 400 posts, I decided that it’s time to bring similar organization to my writings here.
The missive’s that fit nicely into one of those sections of the grief/loss cycle have been easy to categorize. Here’s a couple I wanted to explain more:
Denial
Plato’s famous writing of Socrates’s Allegory of the Cave1 has been my foundation in trying to explain the healing process for victims/survivors of childhood sexual abuse. It’s complicated and terrifying and those manipulating the prisoners to stay in the cave by casting shadows on the wall are sub human. For survivors, it encompasses, denial, courage, despair, rage, acceptance, and for some, wisdom and the joy of being authentically human.
I placed my version of Socrates’s Allegory under Denial because that’s where it starts. Some have the courage to make it out. A couple even go back in the cave to try to help others get out. Yes, the allegory spans of stages of healing, but denial is the biggest. To those believing that shadows projected on the wall are truths, I am sad for you. It’s scary leaving, but trust me, oh so worth the pain of stubbing your toes, regaining your balance, and even enduring the mockery of others who think you are crazy. But, trust me, the world is a beautiful fully dimensional place, with color, smells, light, and love. As uncomfortable as it is, it’s so much better than watching shadows on the wall.
Anger/Rage
While I was going through my intense therapy that Paperdolls is based on, I experienced rage. As I wrote in the book, I’d come home from a run and slam my hand so hard against a light switch that I’d dent the wall. But, I got through it.
Paperdolls.Today’s missives depict a couple of my angry moments. One was when some so called “Mormon Investigator” took fragments of my story and made up a bunch of crap about me and attacked me for not reporting to the police. I was pretty miffed. I was 7. As if I could report back then. When I was a little kid, I didn’t even know the name of the leader guy, from the other school, who had been in juvie for playing nasty with another little girl. I didn’t know his name, until after the book had been out over a decade.
I saw the photos of Elizabeth Smart’s kidnapper. It wasn’t until the news showed pictures of him as a teenager that I recognized him. After Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots was re-released in 2024, this so called “Mormon Investigator” attacked me because I didn’t call the police when I was 7.
I was pretty mad at his silly and irresponsible accusations, until I could laugh at him.
A few of my friends and I replayed how silly his accusations and attacks were. We did an impromptu replay of what he thought I should have done. It went like this:
“Hello Salt Lake County Police Department.”
“Hi, I’m in therapy. I’m 30 years old now, and I just remembered that I was sexually abused by some older teenage boys in my childhood neighborhood. One of the main leaders, the main guy, I don’t know his name, but he had blue eyes and dark hair. I don’t know where he lives now. It was 25 years ago. But, I just wanted to report it.”
“Uh-huh ma’am, please keep up with the therapy.”
Those who have read the book know, it wasn’t until I saw a photo on the news of Elizabeth Smart’s kidnapper, when he was a teenager, that I recognized him.
I was mad at this so called investigator. The keyword for me: “was.” As soon as I started laughing at his preposterous accusations at what he thought I should have done as a 7 year old child, or as a 30 year old woman, without a name or even an accurate location or description of the perp, I was over it.
The only reason that I’m tagging those posts for the rage section here, is that I don’t believe following his blame game allegations helps survivors’s healing process. It’s possible his blame game is keeping survivors stuck in the anger phase. Anger/Rage is an important phase to work through, but it doesn’t serve any survivors to stay stuck there.
I’m not enraged with survivors if/when they get stuck. However, the Rage section is the closet area I have here to place those frustrating missives.
Men Survivors/Mormons
I added these two areas, Mormon and Men Survivors, to the organizational flow. Mormons because that topic frequently gets associated with Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots. My co-author and I had vigorous discussions about including the word “Mormon” in the subtitle. I didn’t want it, because I believe that sexual abuse happens everywhere. She convinced me to include it, because many people didn’t believe that the sex abuse of children happens in safe, Mormon communities. Once she said that, I agreed. People need to know it does happen in Mormon areas just like everywhere else.
Men Survivors is my latest crusade. When I went to the child abuse prevention seminar last year, and they were saying the same stuff that my co-author had been campaigning about, marching, conducting seminars about 30 years ago—I was so disheartened. 30 years ago my co-author led parades at the capital, she spoke at seminars, and all over the news.2
Talk about stuck!
Our efforts have reached a standstill and we haven’t kept up with the compounding effects of the damage. I’ve thought long and hard about it, and the only consistent factor we have from the early 90s to now is that we are ignoring the plight of men who were sexually abused as children. Because of my noise, SAPREA is starting to entertain offering services to help men survivors.3
Men are probably 1/2 of our population.
As a child, I was typically sexually abused with 2-3 other boys. That’s twice as many boys as a little girl. I have a hunch that if we acknowledge that this is a human problem, it will help bring societal awareness to the problem much more rapidly. And, help a lot of men. Hence, my addition of Men Survivors.
Summary
Finally, I am so much more than just a sexual abuse survivor. When I experience funny or touching things in my life, I will share it. Henry’s post with the dementia patient is still one of my favorites. Laughter is important. I’ll share tidbits that can help other survivors see the beauty of life and why I think it’s so worth living.
Please note, I’m still reviewing the missives.4 I’ve gone through the obvious ones that I know will fit nicely into one of the stages of healing. Please let me know If I missed one.
“Allegory of the Cave”
Spoiler Alert: This story is told in the epilogue of “Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots” in much greater detail to another who valiantly tries to save others from the shadows of the cave.
I was with her frequently, she lead
Thank goodness
400 is a lot to review, so I’m pacing myself.