Little Boys are Sexually Abused as easily as Little Girls

Why has the myth that Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA) is a female problem persisted?

Note From April: The following was a guest post I did on Trauma to Strength. The post was published a couple of weeks ago. I’m still receiving feedback, praise and thanks. Men survivors of childhood sexual abuse are in pain. I contend that if men were not so shut down about this painful subject, humanity would take enormous strides in winning this insidious battle.

Alexithymia in Men

"I can't cry," my older brother whispered two weeks after our brother died.

My tear-less brother said he envied my ability to cry.

The weight of his grief bent his head down. He spoke in a soft monotone.

I'm quite a bit younger than this brother. We weren't friends, he was graduating from the university and I was barely entering high school. At the time, I thought it was our age gap, but now I know, the dynamics of my family of origin was not conducive for any type of friendship.

He finished his undergraduate work, then threw himself into the rigors of graduate school. He excelled. His thesis was touted as brilliant. When he wasn't studying, he drank, a lot.

Never tears. Not much emotion, ever.

Later in life, some business associates commented that my brother spoke in a monotone. Others called it the "Mormon flatline."

In my early career, I shrugged it off. I assumed he carried his "church voice" with him all the time. For those unfamiliar with certain "Mormon" or LDS Church typical speech patterns, I found a description of it on Quora recently, described as "...soothing at best and somniferous at worst."¹

Now, I wonder, was it a form of alexithymia?² One study³ found the rate of alexithymia in men to be almost twice that of women.

Photo Courtesy of Wellgood.com

There is a plethora of information about how men have a harder time expressing emotions.⁴ ⁵

Little boys are sexually abused as easily as little girls

Now, I have a hunch: little boys are sexually abused just as much as little girls.⁶ Then, for some reason, little boys can't talk about it or ever deal with it.⁷⁸ They grow up to be men who can't even let the topic enter their conscious awareness. They rapidly dismiss it or don't even hear it when the topic of childhood sexually abuse is raised. I wonder why.

I wonder if men dismiss it because it is so painful.

Please know: I know how hard it is to be an adult and deal with--and heal--from the trauma of childhood sexual abuse. It's tough, but one can heal.⁹

Male survivors must acknowledge their pain and heal. They can do it. Then, men can stand proud and share their triumph over this root cause, Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA), of humanity’s depleted soul.¹⁰

Background:

As a child, I was sexually abused typically with 2-3 other boys. That's twice as many little boys as one little girl. Based on my experience, why is there a myth that this is a crime that happens only to little girls? And, what happens to those little boys?¹¹

I contend that if men fully acknowledged that the sexual abuse of children is a human problem--not just a girl problem--we would advance three fold in our efforts to bring societal awareness¹² to this horrific problem. This awareness could be a catalyst to eradicate this crime against humanity.

Trauma to Strength

I have intentionally reached out to Leon Macfayden because he has overcome extensive trauma, he isn't afraid to express his feelings and share his vulnerabilities. I also know there are many men in the "Trauma to Strength" community. I want to start a conversation about men, feelings, healing, and any preconceived notions any in this wonderful community might have about childhood sexual abuse.

It starts with breaking the silence. I'd love to hear from you. If you are uncomfortable sharing your story, please reach out to someone. Leon would be a safe place to start.

1. https://www.quora.com/Why-do-the-general-authorities-of-the-Church-of-Jesus-Christ-of-Latter-day-Saints-speak-with-such-soothing-voices

2. In our family therapy meeting, my brother acknowledged that he had been sexually abused as a child also.

3. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10088984/

4. I have often joked that the only emotion men have permission to express is anger. And, women are often labeled “bitchy” when they express anger.

5. Here are a few of the articles I found on Men’s Inability to Express Emotions:
https://www.lumohealth.care/blog/7-reasons-why-men-can-struggle-to-talk-about-their-feelings
https://welldoing.org/article/why-do-men-struggle-to-express-their-feelings
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-other-side-of-relationships/202203/why-so-many-men-struggle-with-their-emotions
https://thepsychologygroup.com/male-normative-alexithymia/

6. The statics do not reflect my experience curtailing to my believe. The official statics show girls are sexually abused more than little boys. https://rainn.org/facts-statistics-the-scope-of-the-problem/statistics-children-teens/

7. Many cannot talk about their past trauma, or deal with it. It seems that men struggle with it more. Hence, because women tend to deal with it and talk about it, their is a public perception that this is a female problem.

8. Some who were sexually abused grow up to become perpetrators. Not all. And, not all boys who were sexually abused as little boys are destined to become perpetrators.

9. That's why I wrote, Paperdolls & Cowboyboots. My therapist encouraged me to publish my writings because it showed the healing process from beginning to end.

10. https://www.paperdolls.today/p/we-need-the-courage-to-look-this

11. I know what happened to several of the little boys in my childhood neighborhood. After the book was released in 1992, several reached out to me. There were three, who acknowledged the abuse, sadly all three of those men are now deceased (cancer or cardiac arrests) There are others, and tragically three died by suicide.

12. There has been quite a bit of “awareness” to this toxic problem. When Paperdolls first came out, my co-author and I were all over the news. We did main stream television, radio, print interviews. The book’s first print of 5,000 copies sold out in a day. We weren’t the only ones speaking out, at that time in the early 90s, there was an entire movement. But, there was a severe backlash. In time, people were aware but didn’t really think it was such a problem. We need geniune awareness, in our patriarchal society, we need men’s pain and triump to help stabilize the awareness and be a catalyst to lasting change in our world.