3 of my Perpetrators went on to Commit more Horrific Crimes Against Children
Please don't let this be a trend.
Paul, my nephew, and I were driving back to Salt Lake. Paul was a baby in 1992, when Paperdolls: Healing from Sexual Abuse in Mormon Neighborhoods, was published. During a press junket,1 Carol, my co-author, and I flew to St. George. Paul's mother, Laurel, met us at the airport. We had time before our first interview and we stopped for some lunch.
Carol spent our lunch feeding the baby. Paul.
My co-author loved of children. I smiled as I watched her feed the baby, I thought of her first section of Paperdolls. At the time, I was hopeful our words were bringing awareness and that the tragedy of childhood sexual abuse would end.
I didn't tell Paul about the abuse of my childhood until I was getting ready to re-release Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots. He was 30 years old, when I revealed it to him. For me, his genuine surprise was an indication of how much I'd healed. When someone is hiding, even from themselves, it's apparent to those close to them. Paul was surprised when I told him of the abuse of my childhood, and the book I'd published when he was a baby.
Since then, Paul has been reading my missives. On this long car drive he asked more about some things that weren't clear to him.
Paul asked me how I felt when I knew: Knew that one of my abusers went on to abuse others, knew that Hank had abused his own children.
"That's when writing the book went from my therapist's suggestion to my conviction. I owned it. I knew I had to tell my story to help stop the propagation of childhood sexual abuse. I knew that silence was the breeding ground for perpetuation."
We were somewhere near Scipio, Utah, when I explained how I felt after the book came out. I knew I'd done my part. I explained that I didn't want to have sexual abuse be a dominant part of my life.2
Paul laughed and said, "Well, it sure wasn't, I never knew it had happened to you."
We enjoyed a comfortable silence for about an hour. He cleared his throat and asked, "How does Kacie Woody and Elizabeth Smart fit into your decision to re-release?"
I sighed.
"You don't have to tell me."
"No, it's the heart of it."
I continued, "When Kacie Woody was abducted, raped, and slaughtered by one of the teenagers3 who abused me when I was a kid, I was devastated. By the time I remembered and dealt with the abuse I suffered as a child, it had been decades since my abuse. I hoped that the book would be an inspiration for other survivors to heal. I also had an unspoken hope that those in my old neighborhood would recognize the monsters and do something. Somehow stop the perpetrators.
I explained that it wasn't an outlandish hope. Many in my childhood neighborhood knew I'd written the book. I continued, "In the early 90s that was a strange realization. Some from the old neighborhood contacted me, and recognized the instances of abuse I'd written about in the book. They asked me if recalled if they were there. Some were. Some weren't. I always asked how they knew I wrote it, they shrugged their shoulders and said, "I don't know, I just knew it was you." Rarely would someone who contacted me directly say who told them. They just knew."
"With all this knowing, I hoped that those teenage perps who continued on abusing children would be stopped. I hoped that those around them would put two and two together and do something.”
"Two and Two?"
"Yeah, like someone might say, "Hey, wasn't my husband, brother, or son the same age as those teenage perps in April's portion of Paperdolls? Should we ask him about this? And, what if he hasn't stopped? Should we call someone? Get a therapist? Call the police?"
Paul nodded. "That's what you wrote in your letter to Kacie Woody's father." 4
A solemn nod of affirmation.
Paul inquired, "What about Elizabeth Smart?"
"Ahh, now Elizabeth. She was abducted before Kacie Woody. After I found out about Kacie's tragic end, I saw billboards near the freeway with Elizabeth's beautiful face on it. I'd shake my head. I thought Elizabeth was dead. When I read the FBI was investigating to see if the monster who killed Kacie Woody was involved in other crimes against children5, I really thought this monster could have abducted Elizabeth also."
Paul said, "That makes sense."
Paul has joined me on the ski slopes for my birthday. I told Paul that I was skiing on my birthday the day Elizabeth Smart was found. I told him that when I found out Elizabeth was found and alive, I stopped skiing and wept.
I continued, "A couple of days later, I was watching the news and it showed a young photo of Elizabeth's assailant. Previously, I'd never known his name. But, I knew that face. I knew him from the torturous times in my childhood neighborhood."
"I immediately called an older friend from the neighborhood, who retrieved an old high school yearbook. There he was, Elizabeth Smart's assailant, during his sophomore year of high school. Later, I learned where he grew up, and other friends told stories about him. He'd gone to juvie because he exposed himself to a 5 year old. Then, when he got out of juvie, he went to another high school.”
"As a child, I never knew his name, but I knew him. He was definitely one of the ring leaders in the abuse of my childhood."
I muttered, "Elizabeth was found on my birthday. My birthday."
Jokingly, I told Paul that sometimes I need to get smacked in the head with a 2x4 from the Lord 6 to get a message to me.
I sighed, then said, "As much as I try to get out of this, I'm the only one that can tell this story."
Paul laughed and said, "That's what Karen Fisher told you the first time."
I got chills. He's right. At the time, Paperdolls first came out, sexual abuse survivors didn't have many resources. There were only a few survivor books in publication. Maya Angelo's "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" is probably the most famous. 7 Now, there are hundreds, possibly thousands of surviver stories published in books and online.
When I got home, this realization troubled me. Am I the only voice again? That's mathematically impossible. I did an internet search, called the library and a few local bookstores. I couldn't find any survivor accounts of a survivor's abuser(s) continuing on years later to commit even more egregious and horrific crimes against more children.
Since there are hundreds, even thousands, of survivor stories published since 1992 when Paperdolls first came out, and only 35% of the people believe it's a problem, the odds are that in the next 30 years....
There will be hundreds, if not thousands, of survivor stories similar to mine.
Claiming, "I published my story hoping that it would help bring an end to childhood sexual abuse. And, not enough people or not the right people believed me, and my perpetrator(s) continued with even more horrific crimes against children."8
Please believe me. I want to be one of the few. Not the start of yet another trend....
My actual words to Kacie Woody's father:
"In short, not enough people believed me; or, those who mattered the most, and could have possibly done something to stop him, did not believe me. Words simply cannot express the depth of my sorrow." —approx page 287 Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots.
Our most comfortable interaction is referring to our higher power as the Lord. Those in AA adjust to "the Serenity Prayer" at every meeting. Please use the same cognitive adjustments to understand this meaning and not stumble upon word choices that might be different than your beliefs.
My actual words to Kacie Woody's father are:
"In short, not enough people believed me; or, those who mattered the most, and could have possibly done something to stop him, did not believe me. Words simply cannot express the depth of my sorrow." —approx page 287 Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots.
This came in from Zoe Bartholomew, one of our stellar survivors, and recently published author of an incredible book that we are excited to have featured on an upcoming podcast:
"I find it interesting that people don't want to even start dialogue about CSA and victims don't want to either. So I guess as long as ppl don't talk about it openly and honestly it will continue. Sometimes I was more angry with the people who should've listened and believed me then the ones who victimized me. That's one of the major reasons I pursued writing the book because people need to accept CSA does happen. I've had adults tell me to my face that they didn't want to hear that Id been abused. I was an adult and so were they. It's as if you don't talk about it then it doesn't exist."