"Turn the other Cheek"

Does not apply to victims/survivors dealing with perpetrators

I had a discussion with Laurel¹ about my post "Random Acts of Kindness." Granted, she thought it was wonderful to encourage survivors to extend themselves and do a random act of kindness. She's a smarty and even knows the science behind helping others helps alleviate depression.²

However, she wanted to make sure that survivors know that they never, ever have to acquiesce to abusers. EVER!

I think she jumped on this one, because in my youth, I used one of my favorite quotes to justify being mistreated. I’m referring to the scripture from the New Testament about “Turning the other cheek”:

"Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: but I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also… ."³

Many know the abuse I suffered as a child. I navigated to my teenage years and young adult years with the love and support of many⁴, athletics⁵, and some very good friends.⁶ And, also maybe something divine or possibly just dumb luck.

I was always smiling and the epitome of a "People Pleaser."⁷ Which fit nicely into the BYU Coed persona I tried to emulate. It wasn't until the incident on The Metro in Paris that my friends noticed there might be something much deeper with me--something that sprung forth and protected all of us from a potentially horrific assault by a gang of Parisian men.⁸

When I started dealing with my father's tyrannical behavior--especially when he was drinking--I blurted out to Karen Fisher⁹ "What about turn the other cheek?"¹⁰

We spent several sessions on that whole belief system of "turning the other cheek.” For me, it meant taking the abuse because I deserved it. That adage was wrapped up nicely from the words of Jesus himself. Fortunately, Karen was once a Relief Society President¹¹, she knew the lingo and my culture. She jumped on the scripture about loving your neighbor as yourself.

“…Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.”
—Matthew 22:39

It wasn't love your neighbor instead of yourself. I had to learn to love myself as much as I loved other people. Intellectually, I got it. However, it took me a long time to feel it and to really believe it. As a tool to help me recall my own worth, I used the scripted announcement of every air plane before take off: "if there should be a change in cabin pressure...put your oxygen mask on first before helping others."¹²

This was extremely hard from me to internalize because deep inside I felt I was worthless. The words of abusers professing I deserved what I was getting sunk deep in my core belief system about myself.

I've come a long way since then, however, I still have moments when I have to remind myself that "God doesn't make any junk, myself included."¹³

With that, I still know that performing service and helping others is edifying for one's soul. I know that practicing Random Acts of Kindness helps others and yourself. Please remember to be kind to yourself and others. It's not "instead of" you.

Please memorize these words or at least plant this concept in the deepest resources of your soul: You don't ever have to turn the other cheek to an abuser. Run! Hide! Call 9-1-1 or call the National Sexual Assault Hotline: CALL 800.656.HOPE (4673).

Photo Courtesy of Akil Mazumder

1. Laurel is a prominent person in Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots.

2. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/think-act-be/201710/how-helping-others-can-relieve-anxiety-and-depression

3. Matthew 5:38-42 KJV

4. https://www.paperdolls.today/p/impactful-deaths

5. https://paperdollscowboyboots.com/endorsements/

6. Laurel and Jennifer at the top of the list.

7. https://www.healthline.com/health/people-pleaser

8. https://www.paperdolls.today/p/the-finale

9. Karen Fisher, was my long term therapist with a significant role in Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots

10. Matthew 5:38-42 KJV

11. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Relief_Society

12. https://www.kellydonahuephd.com/blog-1/2019/3/2/why-put-your-oxygen-mask-on-first-is-not-the-best-metaphor-for-self-care-and-what-to-do-instead

NOTE: I love this citation, because Kelly Donahue reminds us to practice self care, even when it's not a life threatening emergency. However, when I was first dealing with my tyrannicidal father, it was an emergency, the analogy of the airplane script fit well for me at that time.

13. My second therapist (after Karen Fisher died) redundantly said that phrase to me.