"...trust yourself when everybody doubts you."
And make allowance for their doubting too
“If” by Joni Mitchell was released in 2007. Fifteen years after the initial release of Paperdolls: Healing from Sexual Abuse in Mormon Neighborhoods. A short time after Kacie Woody’s tragic end and Elizabeth Smart’s life altering ordeal. Both crimes committed against these young girls by two of the teenage perpetrators from my childhood.
When Paperdolls first came out, we were met with adulation, praise and support. I was overwhelmed with the love and support. That love and support hast been consistent in the decades since the initial release. However, there have been spurts of ugly naysayers, deniers, and noisy arm chair psychologists claiming it couldn’t have happened to me. Those spurts erupted and spilled all over my family and eventually to me. For the most part, my biological family withered under the scrunity. A couple even joined the DARVO attacks.
I held on to the truth and tried with all my heart to be gracious and kind in their ignorant and uninformed attacks. At best, I’d like to think my siblings wavered for money.1 Possibly others didn’t want to deal with the pain of their own abusive childhoods. Or worse, later, they acted out in abusive ways to others. I’ll never really know. I merely know that my goal was to be strong, loving and kind to them. All of them.
Then, after the tragedy of Kacie Woody and the horrific ordeal of Elizabeth Smart, their DARVO attacks ceased. As I wrote in Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots, it was not an equal trade. In many ways, it might have been less painful for me to simply have been crazy than to know that my efforts of speaking out and trying to help didn’t save Kacie Woody or stop Elizabeth Smart’s horror.
When Joni Mitchell’s song, “If” came out. I listened to the lyrics and wept. This song was my journey those years. I kept my head while all about me….”people are losing theirs and blaming you; If you can trust yourself when everybody doubts you; And make allowance for their doubting too.”
In many ways, I’ve learned that this song rings true for anyone shining light on the darkness of denial and dysfunction. There are many of us that need this message. Please stay to your truth and know you are not alone:
Here are the lyrics:
[Verse 1]
If you can keep your head while all about you
People are losing theirs and blaming you
If you can trust yourself when everybody doubts you
And make allowance for their doubting too
[Verse 2]
If you can wait and not get tired of waiting
And when lied about, stand tall, don't deal in lies
And when hated, don't give in to hating back
Don't need to look so good, don't need to talk too wise
[Refrain]
If
[Verse 3]
If you can dream and not make dreams your master
If you can think and not make intellect your game
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same
[Refrain]
If
[Verse 4]
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve you after all of them are gone
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Nothing but the will that's telling you to hold on, hold on
[Refrain]
If
[Verse 5]
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted and misconstrued by some smug fool
Or watch your life's work torn apart and broken down
And still stoop to build again with worn-out tools
[Refrain]
If
[Verse 6]
If you can draw a crowd and keep your virtue
Or walk with kings and keep the common touch
If neither enemies nor loving friends can hurt you
If everybody counts with you but none too much
[Refrain]
If
[Verse 7]
If you can fill the journey of a minute
With sixty seconds' worth of wonder and delight
Then the earth is yours and everything that's in it
But more than that, I know you'll be alright, you'll be alright
[Outro]
'Cause you've got the fight, you've got the insight
You've got the fight, you've got the insight
You've got the fight, you've got the insight
When I left the business in the early 90s, my parents had built it up to be quite successful. I know that my efforts increased their financial footings and I left it in even stronger financial situation.