“Let us dedicate ourselves to tame the savageness of man and make gentle the life of this world.
Let us dedicate ourselves to that, and say a prayer for our country and for our people.”
The first time I was publicly attacked for writing Paperdolls was in 1993. The book had been picked up by the national publisher and I was on live radio with Tom Barberi.1 Usually, my co-author and I did media junkets together. For some reason, this time, I was solo on Tom Barberi’s live radio show.2
A woman called in named, “Helen.”
Helen didn’t have a question, she launched into a long tirade against me. She spit out things like, “you people are just ruining lives to make money. My daughter says that we abused her! You are all about attention and money.” She spewed for a long time, repeating herself. We were live on the radio. When she took a breath, I said, “Helen, do you know that we are donating all the proceeds for the book to fight the ongoing battle against child abuse?” She talked over me. Tom had to interject and ask me to say it again. I tried to tell her that all the proceeds from the sale of Paperdolls went to fight childhood sexual abuse.
Tom asked me to say it several more times. Helen kept going on about her daughter and how “we” only wanted money.
We finally got her to hear me when I said, “All the proceeds from the sale of the book are dedicated to the ongoing battle against childhood sexual abuse.”3
Tom boomed, “Helen, did you hear that? All proceeds from the sale of the book go to fight child sexual abuse!”
Helen’s response. “Oh.”
Helen continued, “That doesn’t change my daughter’s ridiculous claim.”
I said, “I don’t know your daughter or what she’s claiming.”
She screamed “ROSANNE!4
I still didn’t know who she meant. She thought I was being flippant.5
The story of Helen was one of many. I look back on it now, I chuckle. It was surreal. She spewed such nonsense it was kind of funny.
Sound familiar?
Back then, the term DARVO hadn’t been developed yet.6
My mantra is, “If I can do it, anyone can.” With that in mind, since I’ve encountered DARVO (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender) so much, it’s likely you will also. Please don’t be afraid. Understanding DARVO is one of the most important aspects to help you deal with it.
DARVO is an acronym for the projecting behavioral pattern that abusers typically do when confronted about their abusive behavior and/or when they are trying to justify their damaging actions. DARVO is a tactic a person may use to deflect responsibility onto an individual they have abused. It is a form of manipulation a person may use to discredit a survivor’s experience.7
I was recently at a barbecue. A friend was there and was complaining about his young son. The man said, “Oh, he really knows how to push my buttons!”
I looked right at him and said, “Wow, it sounds like you are a robot rather than a fully grown man.”
He smiled and said, “Yeah, that does sound kind of stupid. I’m in charge of my own reactions. My son isn’t in charge of me.”
Thankfully, I knew this guy. He was merely trying to get a chuckle about his teenage son. However, I’ve heard that phrase used before, without such an emotionally intelligent response. I’ve heard fully grown adults use it and really believe that someone else is “pushing their buttons” and therefore deserves to be smacked.8
That’s DARVO.
DARVO is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, such as sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers.9
“When DARVO is used, a perpetrator denies or minimizes the harms of any wrongdoing, attacks the victim’s credibility, and reverses victim and offender roles such that the perpetrator assumes a victimized position and declares the victim to be the true perpetrator.”10
One of the best ways to protect yourself from DARVO is to learn about it. In the 2020 Study mentioned above,11 it notes that people who have been educated in DARVO methods found perpetrators less believable. Additionally, participants found survivors of abuse more believable.
During an attack about my writing, my priority is to set a strong boundary. I protect myself from the attacker. Generally, I do not interact with them.12
During an episode with an attacker, it is easy to get confused. Therapy13 can help you learn about emotional manipulation and help you build techniques to lessen the damage and confusion. A therapist can also support you in deciding if you want to keep this relationship, and if so, how to renegotiate it.14
I titled this post, “To tame the savageness of man and make gentle the life of this world” because an attack that blames the victim while perpetrators justify their abusive action is SAVAGE. These words are also the final remarks Robert Kennedy made when he gave his famous speech announcing that Martin Luther King, Jr. had been murdered.
I was still a little girl on April 4, 1968. I was riveted to our television set.15 I watched RFK give this speech.16 It’s the first time I heard the words of Aeschylus. A poem I memorized from that day, and one I included in the section for Wisdom in Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots:
Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget
falls drop by drop upon the heart
until, in our own despair, against our will,
comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.
Martin Luther King, Jr was not responsible for his own murder. To claim that MLK suffered the consequences of his words and/or his actions would be utter DARVO. The man who shot him was responsible. As I rewatched the video, I wept. I am humbled and inspired by those who have gone before us dedicated to making the world a better place. Rewatching this speech reinforces my resolve to do my part to love and offer support to those suffering. I am committed to helping survivors of sexual assault. I know we can unite with “love and wisdom, and compassion toward one another, feeling of justice toward those who still suffer….”
“Let us dedicate ourselves to what the Greeks wrote so many years ago: to tame the savageness of man and make gentle the life of this world. Let us dedicate ourselves to that, and say a prayer for our country and for our people.”
https://www.tombarberi.com
Usually, my co-author and I did media junkets together. For some reason, this time, I was solo on Tom Barberi’s live radio show.
By the way, I think that would be very irresponsible. I tend to believe survivors because I know how hard it is to tell anyone about being abused. Elizabeth Smart has a powerful campaign called, “We believe you” Elizabeth states, “…the two main comments she hears is that the same thing happened to someone and they were too scared to say anything, or that they spoke up and were not believed.”
Or attacked, abused, raped, etc.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/10926771.2020.1774695
Ibid
KJV, Matthew 7:6 Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.
Your safety is paramount. If you are attacked physically or sexually, or if you fear for your life, call 9-1-1
We were fortunate to get a color television set in 1965.
Some have hailed it as “the greatest speech of all time.” I give that accolade to The Gettysburg Address.
You are so kind and uplifting. It IS funny afterwards, LONG afterwards, the sniveling ways of perps who do make themselves out to be the aggrieved , harmed party. Their nasty ways of casting blame on absolute innocence! Worst of all, their expertise in manipulation, making the true victims feel responsible, guilty, crazy. But most of all perpetrators revictimize, I think, With DARVO.