On the 7th day of Christmas
my true self gave to me:
A 7 item checklist to find a good therapist
6 Songs for playin'
5 Bold Things
Four Square Breathing
Three fountain pens
Two moments of wonder
And a positive affirmation to start my day.
All together Now:
On the 7th day of Christmas1 my true self gave to me:
7 item checklist to find a good therapist
6 Songs for playin'
5 Bold Things
Four Square Breathing
Three fountain pens
Two moments of wonder
And a positive affirmation to start my day.
7 item checklist to find a good therapist
1. DECIDE YOU ARE SICK OF BEING SICK2
Realizing that there is a way out of the cave of despair,3 see my version of Socrates' Allegory of the Cave. Realizing that the people who have healed are not unique and that you also can heal is the most important step.
2. REVIEW ONLINE RESOURCES OR POTENTIAL THERAPISTS
Use the tool on psychologytoday.com4 to search their accredited list of therapists in your area. Read the descriptions and the reviews and make notes of the ones that leap out at you.
3. REFERRALS
Find referrals via healthy people you trust, online, or start calling some help lines in your area.
If the name of a therapist starts appearing from different sources, ex. from friends, referrals and you noted, that is a good indicator that you should contact that given therapist.
NOTE: If you are concerned about a friend or family member checking your online search history, go to the library. Or use a private browser feature that doesn't track your search history. If you are concerned and afraid that someone will be upset if you are searching for this kind of help, this is a red flag about a possible unhealthy relationship. Once you get in a safe place, promise me you'll look at that potential red flag of a controlling and/or manipulative relationship.
4. VERIFY THE POTENTIAL THERAPIST’S PROFESSIONAL ACCREDITATION
Once you have some names, verify they are licensed. It is essential that you verify that the therapist is licensed to practice in your state. If they aren't, don't continue. Pick someone else.
Please remember that even those with professional accreditation can be nefarious, even criminals. See my post on "Wolf in Sheep's Clothing"5
5. INTERVIEW THE POTENTIAL THERAPIST
Talk to the potential therapist and possibly meet with them.
Many therapists will offer a short consult free of charge. Take them up on it. Pay attention to yourself and how you feel when talking to them. Does this person ask questions and listen? Or do they simply lecture about how great they are?
One of the basics of the therapeutic process involves the therapist carefully asking questions to help the patient/client to look at themselves and learn more about themselves. In this brief initial meeting, can you imagine this therapist listening? Caring? Making eye contact? One of the key indicators of listening in many cultures is making eye contact.
I know that telehealth is convenient and trending now. It might be the quickest way to asses your connection with a therapist. I still prefer in person visits. There is so much communicated non-verbally, that I like to review and get as much feedback as possible. I heavily rely on non-verbal communications. That's why telephone calls and even telehealth appointments aren't my main stay.
6. ASK LOADED QUESTIONS
If it feels right, ask more questions. Get past shallow chit-chat. This isn’t a party, this is your life.
Most of the time in therapy, the therapists asks the questions. As you are evaluating the fit for you, now is the time to ask questions. I know you have them, ask. If you ask a personal question about your therapist, generally they won't, nor should they, answer. This is about you. You can ask about their philosophy, what type of notes or documentation do they keep, if they've ever had a complaint brought against them. If so, ask them why? Then, watch their reactions. If they get offended or dismiss your questions, that might be a red flag for you. If they answer a question with a question, well, that's what they are supposed to do.
Again, pay attention to your potential therapist's reactions to your questions. Since Karen's death, I've had three different therapists. When I was interviewing one therapist, I asked if she believed in God or a Higher Power. She asked if that was important to me, I said, "Yes." She asked why it was important to me. She really listened. Then, she told me that personally she is an atheist. However, her reaction to my question was so thoughtful and concerned, I didn't care if we didn't share the same beliefs. She was a professional, caring, highly trained, fully licensed therapist and I had several years of wonderful growth lead by her poignant questions.
7. BEGIN THE PROCESS
A direct recommendation from me: try to get rid of your “all or nothing” or “black and white thinking.” Many adult survivors I know, think in those extremes on a frequent basis. It’s understandable, because as a child, if something didn’t feel right, it could turn to an emotional or physical slaughter in no time. Remember: you are safe now. Your therapist is there to help you, to guide you by asking questions, to help you come to realizations for yourself. If your therapist typically doesn’t ask questions, doesn’t listen, or worse tells you how you think and feel, that’s a red flag.
Ask them about it. Ask, “ I’m feeling like you are telling me what to do, are you?” See what they say. If they are, ask why! If it’s the only way they know how to do therapy, well, you might need to start shopping again. If they aren’t acting that way, that’s when you can get down to work. Figure out why you are perceiving an attack when it’s just a simple question. This process is a back and forth process, and the main focus is you! Don’t get weird because your therapist never talks about themselves. They aren’t supposed to. Only in rare situations and only if they can’t think of ANYTHING else to reach you. But, as a general rule, you aren’t going to know much about them. Nor should you. This is about you.
Most of the time in the therapeutic environment, I articulate slowly. I sense I’m not the only one. A question is asked, and it takes a moment to consider it. If it’s a poignant question, sometimes it’s shocking and brings a new awareness. Then, it really takes time for me to respond. It’s important that your therapist lets you take your time. There is no “in the interest of time….” This is about you. If you make a tremendous ah-ha at the end of your session, your therapist can resume right there next time. There should be no rushing you and absolutely no interrupting your responses.
Again, a good therapist will make some fairly innocuous observations, then ask you for clarification. If they asked a potent question, it can feel like they hit a nerve. Check out their countenance and demur. Check with yourself. Ask for a break if you want. Don't assume they are attacking you. A good therapist will ask questions and sometimes they'll hit a nerve. That's the time for you to check in with yourself. A good therapist will help you unravel it.
Description (no batteries required)
In August 2023, I wrote the above with a much more absolute resolution that an accredited, licensed, professional therapist using evidence based therapy techniques was the only way to heal from childhood sexual assault.6 I even argued with the SAPREA people in that regard, briefly. SAPREA strongly encourages women who go through their programs and retreats to seek professional therapy with an evidence based therapist also. But, as Betsy Kanarowski, PhD, LCSW,7 the one in charge of all of SAPAREA's support programs explained many women have had horrible experiences with therapists and therefore SAPREA strongly encourages professional, evidence based therapy, but don't believe it's a requirement for healing.
New Stance:
As of today, December 18, 2024, I am now adopting SAPREA’s stance. For me, I can't even imagine going through the healing process without the loving guidance of professionals, in particular the late, great, Karen Fisher. I've now met several outstanding, growing, thriving souls who have made the journey to healing without a professional, evidence based. therapist.
Introducing:
I've asked a cohort here on substack, Leon Macfayden8, who writes brilliantly about going from trauma to strength to provide a guest article (potentially more) about his journey. I'm going to send out his article, today, as an added gift for you on this 7th day of healing prompts and support.
I understand not all celebrate Christmas, or even believe in God. However, for the sake of simple communication, I ask for your understanding of my play on a well known Christmas Carol to give you 12 days of humorous prompts to support you through this holiday season.
If it's urgent or your are starting to get overwhelmed call the National Sexual Assault Hot-line: CALL 800.656.HOPE (4673))
See my version of Socrates' Allegory of the Cave, here:
https://www.paperdolls.today/p/aprils-allegory-of-the-cave
