Forgiveness to the Bystanders
The Perils of the Mob Mentality & Our Strength in Numbers
To those who have read Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots, you know that as a child I was abused in a group situation by teenage boys in my neighborhood. When Karen Fisher, my therapist, was helping me unravel the quagmire of pain, she counted the “observers” as abusers. I let that tally stand after the first publications and did not edit that section of the original book when I re-released the updated version this year.
Forgiveness
I am officially extending a formal message of forgiveness to the bystanders. The observers. I forgive you for not being brave enough to confront and/or stop the ring leaders of the abuse. Forgiveness to the long ago teenager boys who are now unhappy, unfulfilled, even tormented men.
In March of this past year, a dear friend notified me that one of the observers had tragically died. My friend texted, “I can’t remember, was he an abuser or a victim?”
I blinked back tears and texted, “Victim.”
The deceased was an observer. A bystander. He was 3-4 years younger than the senior high school1 boys who came to the neighborhood and lead the torture of the younger children in the neighborhood.
As an adult, when I started dealing with the trauma of my childhood, Karen Fisher counted those bystanders as abusers. I wish I could ask her about it now. Possibly Karen thought that the young bystanders could have left, told someone, or even stopped the main culprits. Now, in 2024, I don’t think it was that simple for those young boys, the bystanders.
The younger teenage boys were present but too afraid to stop the older, bigger, teenagers. I think the observers were victims also. Many of those bystanders have suffered through-out their lives. I’m aware of at least 3 men who suffered with mental illness, drugs and alcohol abuse—two died under tragic circumstances.
To those innocent bystanders of my childhood, I extend forgiveness.
I originally entitled this piece, “mob mentality” because that is one of my most primal fears. Individuals do horrific things when they are caught up in a group dynamic. If you’ve read “Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots” you know why. If you haven’t read the book, you can purchase it here at significantly reduced cost or at various other bookstores here.
Then, I thought of possibly giving this missive a title of Strength in Numbers, because humanity wouldn’t exist if we didn’t work together. Rugged individualism is all well and good, but we wouldn’t exist if we didn’t bond together. Fortunately, the majority of people are good.2 I believe that we all want to live productive, contributing, authentic lives. With occasional snippets of joy and a foundation of love and acceptance. When we are joined in an effort of common good, the “walls of Jericho” can literally crumble.
However, I know there is evil in the world. There are sick and selfish people simply wanting to dominate others to try to fill up their own empty souls.3 Evil exists with far too many hallow bodies acting out that evil. It doesn’t mean everybody is evil. Not even everyone in the same group is evil. The childish cliché, “One bad apple ruins the whole bunch” only applies to apples. NOT PEOPLE.
“When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it--always.”
—Mahatma Ghandi
Remember, most people are good. The way of truth and love will always prevail.
So yes, there’s some aberration of a minority of people trying to subvert the propagation of our species and subvert the sacredness of life. But, they are the minority. Remember that. Simply because they are bullies, you don’t have to fear them or follow them. There is strength in numbers.