Thank you for this beautiful post. And for your forgiveness of the bystanders. It is a reminder to stand up for others as well as ourselves. And to do better when we know better.
Realizing some people especially in youth don’t know if they CAN go to someone for help whether it be for themselves or others. When you know the people, often your own parents or leaders you think you might be able to turn to, may or may not even be able or willing to help. Or that the leaders of your community whom you go to would be able to help.
I would suggest that communities have ‘mob mentalities’. Church, scouting and other groups often protect their own. They often handle these issues within their own groups and so it is not so surprising that these young men don’t know how or where to turn. Our communities fail these young people and even adults.
In your following post about Kacey Woody it seems a bit the same. Coming out and warning others about these perpetrators is one thing but will anyone with authority listen and actually do something about it. Domestic violence and gun violence the same. Threats are taken too lightly. It’s often not until a horrific crime is committed that then we say we should have done more.
Your book is your speaking out. It’s bringing the truth to see the light of day. These subjects are hard to digest but still you bring them out to the forefront to talk about them. You go beyond that by sharing your healing and your own light within yourself and give hope to others that have experienced similar trauma. Even I who have not experienced these kind of horrors myself, although I know personally others who have, get hope and healing through your courage.
Thank you always for continuing to speak up, to share your healing and hope that anyone, even victims of abuse, can heal and have a fulfilling life!!
Oh my goodness, thank you for this eloquent and beautifully written response.
Your statement/question: "...but will anyone with authority listen and actually do something about it" is so important.
I hope, we all try. I think many are trying. And, to those, I render my loyal support and commitment.
It's those still in denial who don't believe these rampant problems--that I get frustrated about. And denial or aware, these violent acts of our somewhat civilized and barbaric society, can effect anyone. Meaning, it won't go away if one simply throws their head in the sand. Denial won't insulate anyone.
And yes, we can all heal and have a fulfilling life. Every one of us.
Thank you so much for this wonderful response and comments!
Thank you April. The depth of your empathy and your ability to change the label of those younger boys is inspiring. I had forgotten that Karen had passed and you cannot ask her new questions. I apologize if you have already answered these questions. I wonder: do you think the boys that were there as bystanders know in their hearts if they were abusers or victims? Or do you think they could have been confused and blinded by the evil surrounding them? Have you been in contact with any of them?
Thanks for mentioning Karen Fisher. She died after the 2nd editon was released in 1993. In fact, we dedicated that edition to her. She died before it was published. I told her about it, but she never got to see the final published edition.
Anyway, I go into quite a bit of detail about her death in Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots. It was REALLY hard for me. At the time, it seemed I'd lost EVERYTHING--then to lose her--bam I was on the brink. I write a bit about it here. (https://www.paperdolls.today/p/through-a-quagmire-of-grief). But, I write extensively about it in Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots.
Thanks so much for the feedback and thoughtful discussion. I hope more feel comfortable writing. There are some questions I gave my best estimation, and I tried to list the reason why I thought that way. If anyone has different feedback or thoughts, I'd love to hear it.
YES! Several. Recently one woman reached out and said, "My husband grew up in that neighborhood. He's been in and out of drug rehab. I think he was involved. Was he?"
Karen Fisher once told me that people will remember when they have the emotional and psychological strength to remember. If we tell them when they aren't ready to remember, it can be a violation--and cause significant psychological damage. I don't ever want to be part of hurting others. Additionally, since this wasn't the man asking me directly, but his wife, I decided not to respond. If and when he wants to know, I'd be willing to go with him to his therapist, or at least his sponsor in NA/AA and talk.
Wonderful response and questions. Thank you! I'm going to try to answer every one. REVAMP after I responded. I decided my response was WAY too long. So I'm going to break up each question, and respond. Easier to read.
1. I wonder: do you think the boys that were there as bystanders know in their hearts if they were abusers or victims?
Great question, because we can never really know what is in another's heart without asking them, here is my best guess:
His daughter wrote that her father lived with unbearable pain that no one understood. His soul was tormented. She said that one of the last things he said to her was, "I just want to help people."
When I read that, I wondered. I knew what he had witnessed as a young teenage boy. He didn't help. He easily could have been scared for himself or intimidated by the larger high schoolers. There is a significant different between a 9th grader and a senior in high school-- emotionally and physically.
Back then, especially in that neighborhood, boys were conditioned to be tough, dominate, and winners. Losers were sissys (they were called a much more derogatory term--similar to Pansy--but with a sexual connotation.). I am guessing that this amazingly smart, intelligent, hard working, athletic man absorbed all that gibberish. But, always knew in his heart that he didn't help. That shredded his insides. I think that's why one of his last words was, "I just want to help people."
There are others that could AND SHOULD have helped. But, not the junior high boys.
Thank you for this beautiful post. And for your forgiveness of the bystanders. It is a reminder to stand up for others as well as ourselves. And to do better when we know better.
Realizing some people especially in youth don’t know if they CAN go to someone for help whether it be for themselves or others. When you know the people, often your own parents or leaders you think you might be able to turn to, may or may not even be able or willing to help. Or that the leaders of your community whom you go to would be able to help.
I would suggest that communities have ‘mob mentalities’. Church, scouting and other groups often protect their own. They often handle these issues within their own groups and so it is not so surprising that these young men don’t know how or where to turn. Our communities fail these young people and even adults.
In your following post about Kacey Woody it seems a bit the same. Coming out and warning others about these perpetrators is one thing but will anyone with authority listen and actually do something about it. Domestic violence and gun violence the same. Threats are taken too lightly. It’s often not until a horrific crime is committed that then we say we should have done more.
Your book is your speaking out. It’s bringing the truth to see the light of day. These subjects are hard to digest but still you bring them out to the forefront to talk about them. You go beyond that by sharing your healing and your own light within yourself and give hope to others that have experienced similar trauma. Even I who have not experienced these kind of horrors myself, although I know personally others who have, get hope and healing through your courage.
Thank you always for continuing to speak up, to share your healing and hope that anyone, even victims of abuse, can heal and have a fulfilling life!!
Oh my goodness, thank you for this eloquent and beautifully written response.
Your statement/question: "...but will anyone with authority listen and actually do something about it" is so important.
I hope, we all try. I think many are trying. And, to those, I render my loyal support and commitment.
It's those still in denial who don't believe these rampant problems--that I get frustrated about. And denial or aware, these violent acts of our somewhat civilized and barbaric society, can effect anyone. Meaning, it won't go away if one simply throws their head in the sand. Denial won't insulate anyone.
And yes, we can all heal and have a fulfilling life. Every one of us.
Thank you so much for this wonderful response and comments!
Thank you April. The depth of your empathy and your ability to change the label of those younger boys is inspiring. I had forgotten that Karen had passed and you cannot ask her new questions. I apologize if you have already answered these questions. I wonder: do you think the boys that were there as bystanders know in their hearts if they were abusers or victims? Or do you think they could have been confused and blinded by the evil surrounding them? Have you been in contact with any of them?
Thanks for mentioning Karen Fisher. She died after the 2nd editon was released in 1993. In fact, we dedicated that edition to her. She died before it was published. I told her about it, but she never got to see the final published edition.
Anyway, I go into quite a bit of detail about her death in Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots. It was REALLY hard for me. At the time, it seemed I'd lost EVERYTHING--then to lose her--bam I was on the brink. I write a bit about it here. (https://www.paperdolls.today/p/through-a-quagmire-of-grief). But, I write extensively about it in Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots.
Thanks so much for the feedback and thoughtful discussion. I hope more feel comfortable writing. There are some questions I gave my best estimation, and I tried to list the reason why I thought that way. If anyone has different feedback or thoughts, I'd love to hear it.
Together, we can all support each other.
4. Have you been in contact with any of them?
YES! Several. Recently one woman reached out and said, "My husband grew up in that neighborhood. He's been in and out of drug rehab. I think he was involved. Was he?"
Karen Fisher once told me that people will remember when they have the emotional and psychological strength to remember. If we tell them when they aren't ready to remember, it can be a violation--and cause significant psychological damage. I don't ever want to be part of hurting others. Additionally, since this wasn't the man asking me directly, but his wife, I decided not to respond. If and when he wants to know, I'd be willing to go with him to his therapist, or at least his sponsor in NA/AA and talk.
2. Or do you think they could have been confused and blinded by the evil surrounding them?
Another great point. Absolutely they could have been confused and blinded by the surreal evil and aggression.
Wonderful response and questions. Thank you! I'm going to try to answer every one. REVAMP after I responded. I decided my response was WAY too long. So I'm going to break up each question, and respond. Easier to read.
1. I wonder: do you think the boys that were there as bystanders know in their hearts if they were abusers or victims?
Great question, because we can never really know what is in another's heart without asking them, here is my best guess:
When I learned of the incredible man who tragically died last March, I heard and read quite a bit about him. (https://www.paperdolls.today/p/your-healing-is-a-huge-victory)
His daughter wrote that her father lived with unbearable pain that no one understood. His soul was tormented. She said that one of the last things he said to her was, "I just want to help people."
When I read that, I wondered. I knew what he had witnessed as a young teenage boy. He didn't help. He easily could have been scared for himself or intimidated by the larger high schoolers. There is a significant different between a 9th grader and a senior in high school-- emotionally and physically.
Back then, especially in that neighborhood, boys were conditioned to be tough, dominate, and winners. Losers were sissys (they were called a much more derogatory term--similar to Pansy--but with a sexual connotation.). I am guessing that this amazingly smart, intelligent, hard working, athletic man absorbed all that gibberish. But, always knew in his heart that he didn't help. That shredded his insides. I think that's why one of his last words was, "I just want to help people."
There are others that could AND SHOULD have helped. But, not the junior high boys.