Despair

"Healing does not follow a clean plan with a smooth inclined plane."

Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots highlights the stages of grief and loss. My co-author and I carefully considering our healing as it relates to Kubler Ross’s stages of grief and loss. The loss of innocence, trust, loss of normal developmental processes did not compare neatly to Kubler-Ross’s process. We adjusted the book to fit our experience, we used sections¹ with stronger adjectives. For example, one of Kubler-Ross’s stages is “Depression.” Depression is a painful place. However, there were many times that I didn’t know if there was a way through it. I was hopeless.

Instead of a section for the typical grief-loss stage of “Depression” it is entitled “Despair.”

When I revamped Paperdolls.Today to reflect these stages of loss and grief, I included posts I’d written about these various stages. Fortunately most are in the “Acceptance, Healing, and Growth areas, because that’s where I am now. However, I knew I

Since Paperdolls was first published in 1992, I’ve had waves of depression. But, nothing like the Despair I experienced when I first started unraveling the abuse of my childhood.²

When I started planning and preparing this post, I had a nightmare about Kacie Woody’s³ murderer.⁴ In my nightmare, he was alive and taunting me. Accusing me of making up his torture for book sales. My nightmares portray my pain. They are rarely logical. I was dumbfounded, I couldn’t speak.

Speaking and telling are paramount to my healing and I believe to most of our healing. Our voices unite us and makes humanity stronger.

In my nightmare, I couldn’t speak. This murderer kept laughing and mocking my distress. I finally screamed, “You abducted, raped, tortured and murdered Kacie Woody. As the Swat team was coming in, you killed yourself!”

I woke myself up. My heart was beating so hard, I could feel it slamming against my rib cage. I tried “4 Square” breathing to slow down my heart. I did several breathing cycles. My heart kept hammering against my chest.

I finally got out of bed. Made a cup of herbal tea and wrote in my journal.

Obviously, I’m still jarred to my core with Kacie Woody’s tragic demise. I’m not sure the pain of her death will ever be abated. As I wrote in the prologue of Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots, “Healing does not follow a clean plane with a smooth inclined plane. It is a jagged up and down ascent.”

Her death is a down moment. I have them, not usually this deep. I can be so sad it teeters on depressed. But, I’m not despondent.⁵ If you are in a place where you are uncertain of the reality of your perceptions and world, I strongly encourage you to get professional help. There are many good, evidence-based, licensed therapists. ⁶

You can get through this stage of healing. You are not alone. If I can do it, so can you.

I chose this image from pexels.com because it reminds me of the Allegory of the Cave, and in my darkest moments I struggled to see any light. There is light. There is hope.

1. Instead of chapter numbers

2. I write about it extensively in Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots. Thankfully I also included my writings of digging my way out of it.

3. In 2002, when Kacie Woody was annihilated by one of my perpetrators I teetered on the edges of another bout of despondence. I got back into therapy to deal with the survivorr’s guilt and understand that there was no way I could have prevented Kacie’s tragic end.

4. As a general rule, I do not like to state the perp’s names. I wish to honor the victims (or survivors) and not bring any glory or recognition to the predators. However, there are times, I must name them, and I have.

5. The despair I suffered when I was first dealing with the abuse of my childhood was a hopeless state when I questioned everything and it seemed my entire world collapsed.

6.