You've got the fight | You've got the insight
You'll be alright.
Dream
Recently I was at one of SAPREA’s dinner celebrations. I met a man in charge of a domestic abuse clinic in Provo. He said, “I’m here because I didn’t know how common CSA1 is for those who end up in horrific adult domestic abuse situations.”2
I validated and supported his realization. Later he said, “One of the saddest things I’ve realized is that adults who are recovering from complex trauma, have lost the ability to envision a future for themselves. We have workshops on visualizing how you want your world to be and those workshops fall flat. They can’t even dream.”
That chilled me. I had that also. I’ve heard that from numerous other survivors also. For some, it would be easier to visual themselves turning into a tree, than dreaming of a better life with safety, shelter, love, and slivers of joy.
One of my favorite coping mechanisms, that has severed me well, has been to set goals and achieve them. In my most painful periods, a “to do” list has distracted me from me. In John Bradshaw’s words I became a “human doing” not a “human being.” 3
It’s easier to do than to feel.
Dreams, Goals and Resolutions
With a caution to not become a human doing, but consistently check in with yourself and nurture your own authentic humanness (or human beingness), I ask that you dream. Let yourself think, plan and dream. Don’t become a slave to your goals or dreams. Let yourself dream. Then, evaluate if you want to purse those dreams or goals.
“…dream. And not make dreams your master.”
One of my favorite stanza’s of Joni Mitchell’s song, “If” is:
If you can dream
And not make dreams your master
If you can think
And not make intellect your game
If you can meet
With triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same
I support you, my beloved survivors in dreaming! Dream. Make Resolutions. Set goals, just don’t be a slave to them. You have the right and ability to change your mind—anytime. This is your life.
More on Joni Mitchell’s Adaptation of Rudyard Kipling’s ‘If’
Joni Mitchell’s adaptation of “If” came out in 2007. The lyrics went right to my heart. For me, it’s about my life. When Paperdolls was published, there was an onslaught of publicity, celebration, hero worship (of me and my co-author) then came the backlash and ignorant DARVO attacks. Almost all survivors I’ve met have experienced it. Abusers and fearful ignorant naysayers lob attacks4
For this New Year’s Eve, I hope you dream. Dare to be more of yourself. As Joni writes:
If you can fill the journey
Of a minute
With sixty seconds worth of wonder and delight
Then
The Earth is yours
And Everything that’s in it
But more than that
I know
You’ll be alright
You’ll be alright.5
CSA=Childhood Sexual Abuse
In Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots, I journaled, in extensive detail, far too many of my paternal aunts and cousins who were imprisoned in assault and battery relationships and marriages.
I understand how this happens, in an emergency one has to take action: get out, find safety, hide, or fight. But, it’s not a way to live. Emergencies are not common and certainly not a way to live each and every day.
It is not fun. DARVO sucks. But, I promise it’s better to endure the onslaught of stupid DARVO attacks than stay in an abusive situation—and not speak your truth. Be who you are.
If
by Joni Mitchell, adapted from Rudyard Kipling’s ‘If’
If you can keep your head
While all about you
People are losing theirs and blaming you
If you can trust yourself
When everybody doubts you
And make allowance for their doubting too.
If you can wait
And not get tired of waiting
And when lied about
Stand tall
Don’t deal in lies
And when hated
Don’t give in to hating back
Don’t need to look so good
Don’t need to talk too wise.
If you can dream
And not make dreams your master
If you can think
And not make intellect your game
If you can meet
With triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same
If you can force your heart
And nerve and sinew
To serve you
After all of them are gone
And so hold on
When there is nothing in you
Nothing but the will
That’s telling you to hold on!
Hold on!
If you can bear to hear
The truth you’ve spoken
Twisted and misconstrued
By some smug fool
Or watch your life’‘s work
Torn apart and broken down
And still stoop to build again
With worn out tools.
If you can draw a crowd
And keep your virtue
Or walk with Kings
And keep the common touch
If neither enemies nor loving friends
Can hurt you
If everybody counts with you
But none too much.
If you can fill the journey
Of a minute
With sixty seconds worth of wonder and delight
Then
The Earth is yours
And Everything that’s in it
But more than that
I know
You’ll be alright
You’ll be alright.
Cause you’ve got the fight
You’ve got the insight
You’ve got the fight
You’ve got the insight