Support Groups

Building a support network

Building Support for YOURSELF. Photo courtesy of Dio Hasbi Saniskoro

People with innate emotional intelligence, or rather those small per cent who were raised in relatively healthy families and environments, know how to communicate effectively using "I statements." ¹, ², ³

I find it productive to reflect on the basics in many of my activities. The basics of "I statements" are that they set a foundation of communication without attack or a need for defensiveness. A simple example of an “I statement:”

"I feel anxious when you don't communicate what you are mad about." Rather than, "You withdraw and pout too much!"

With conversations, it seems that most topics can be disarmed by those speaking to own their perceptions and feelings with an "I statement" rather than a "You blah, blah, blah...."

Starting with a "You _____ whatever..." almost instantly places the person hearing the words starting with "you" on the defensive.

"You-statements" tend to escalate conflict by triggering our shame and defensive reactions. Instead of blaming, psychotherapists suggest reframing the blame with an “I-statement” that is based on one’s personal feelings over what the other person did.

The suggested reframe might go something like this:

Instead of, “You broke the computer,” try “The computer is broken and I’m scared we won’t meet our deadline.”

Instead of, “You make me angry,” try “I’m feeling upset and want to understand what we can do to fix this.”⁴

I think⁵ there is a balance when using I Statements. Sometimes, you don't have to lead. Sometimes you can wait for a calm time to address issues. Sometimes "Active Listening"⁶ is the foundation for effective communication.

My focus is with survivors of sexual assault. To those I address the following:

If you are in a situation with another or others who are not practicing I statements or Active Listening, please take note. You don't have to take out a piece of paper and write it down⁷ . Take a mental note. Notice how this person or these people are engaging in conversation. Do they start with phrases like:

• "You.....,"

• "I know you think...."

• I know you feel..."

This is a red flag. Take note! Then, evaluate how close this person is in your circle of influence or intimacy. For me, those on the exterior of the circle, I don't spend much time thinking about. It's a fairly quick mental delete for me. As it gets closer to my inner circle, I evaluate more. If I have someone in my most inner circles who exhibits a lack of "I statements" or any degree of Active Listening. I carefully consider whether or not it is worth investing in trying to work with this person so we can build a better habit of interaction.

Courtesy of OliveMeCounseling.com

If the person or people are in my inner circle and have moved beyond ignoring emotionally intelligent communications, and are actually exhibiting DARVO behavior--I usually reach out for help. I have been fortunate to have wonderful therapists and a very strong support system of healthy people in my life. I ask them for feedback and assistance. I check in to make sure it is abusive or if I'm being ultra sensitive. I trust these people, and I find it helpful to check in with them on my perceptions. I don't ask them to do my work for me. If I need to take action and have difficult conversations, I ask them to be of support. I reach out for their support: especially if it means terminating an important relationship.

If you haven't cultivated a support system you trust, you can start building one. I highly recommend connecting with SAPREA. I think if you attend a retreat, you could have a network of support immediately after. I also am aware of several solid support groups that could help you build a support network for you. Please drop me a note, if you'd like to know more.

1. https://wellbeingscounselling.ca/the-power-of-i-statements/

2. https://managebetter.com/blog/the-power-of-i-statements-in-professional-communication

3. https://thriveworks.com/help-with/communication/i-statements/

4. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/counseling-keys/201805/the-pros-cons-of-i-statements

5. Note the "I statement"

6. Active Listening: More on this later. For now check out https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-active-listening-3024343

7. although I usually do