Impactful Deaths

This past year I lost 5 incredible lives.

My husky at sunset

Number 1:

In March of 2023, this is what I wrote in my journal:

I've had a few sad times when I can't even think about something without tears. Hence, it's difficult to talk about. Losing my beautiful female husky¹ yesterday was one of those times. I still can't talk about it, but I can write about it a bit.

This was unexpected. I thought she wasn't eating because of a tooth infection. The vet ran the blood work to ensure she could be put under anesthesia. When the Vet came back in the room, she uttered, "It's not the tooth." Turns out, it was her kidneys. They were failing. The options were things like dialysis. Unthinkable.

She was the lead dog and took care of everyone. When my mom died, she was right there. When I went through cancer treatments she served as sentry at the foot of my bed.

I think dogs have such a short life because they are already ahead of us in loving and loyal strengths. They don't need all the years we do to figure out what's important. They just have it.

Number 2:

In June, I lost a lifelong friend. Clayton Williams was the owner of a wonderful art gallery—and he was a safe adult in my childhood ward. I reconnected with him via the art world, and we had a magical friendship. He was yet another example of men of my father’s generation who were loving and kind and growing. His wife had dementia and was in memory care. Even after she forgot who he was my dear friend visited her several times a week. In June, when my dear friend died, I spent a couple of weeks crying and also marveling at what a gift his life was to so very many.

Number 3:

On January 5, 2024, I received a letter than my primary care oncologist had suddenly died. Rosemary Condor was kind, smart, and extremely thorough. She supported and assisted me in those difficult infusion treatments. When I received the letter from Huntsman Cancer notifying me that she had died, I was genuinely shocked. I flashed to when Karen Fisher died. Now, losing my oncologist was sad, but I wasn’t devastated.  Spoiler alert: Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots contains quite a bit about how hard it was when Karen Fisher died. Rosemary's death had some similarities to Karen’s death. Someone I trusted, someone supporting and caring for me, and a professional. Losing Rosie Condor was shocking but not shattering. Huntsman Cancer assured me that they'll find a solid replacement for her. I hope so. If not, I'm perseverant and diligent. I'll find the right fit for me. I am not afraid.

Number 4:

The father of the family I globed onto in my childhood passed away January 10. This family was extraordinary. I didn't write extensively about them in the book, because I didn't want to violate their privacy. Here is the gist: when I was a kid in 1st and 2nd grade, I came home from school and grabbed my hand me down banana seat sting ray boys’ bike and rode and rode and rode. I thought if I kept moving, I wouldn't get hurt.²

In 2nd grade this wonderful family moved in the neighborhood. They were safe. I started pedaling my bike over to their house. They had a full-size basketball stand and a flat driveway. I spent hours there. Frequently playing until late into the night. I later learned that their mother was fully aware of what had happened and what was happening to me. She aggressively tried to protect me, and I knew it. I learned so much from this family. I learned that people can be good and safe and loving.

After Paperdolls was published, I had several parents ask me what they should do if they think a child in their neighborhood is in peril. Without question, if they know a child is being sexually or physically abused it should be reported.³ I am not a therapist. I only know my experience and my story. And I know that as a child, this loving, functional family accepted me. They brought me into their home, and in many ways, saved my life.⁴

On Jan 10, I received word that the loving and kind father of this incredible family passed away. My heart swelled in utter gratitude.  I have always carried his kindness and his entire family's love with me. This was a loss for me, but one that helped me remember how kind and loving many people can be.

Number 5:

And, finally on Sunday night, my boy husky went outside to potty before bed. He tried to do his business and fell down. I picked him up, and his hips collapsed again. He really needed to go potty, and every time he tried, his back end collapsed. He was up and down most of the night. Falling frequently. He was so frustrated and sad. He never fully got his balance. His sister died last March. I knew I probably had to make the tough decision. At 3:30 PM, we went to the Vet. I held his head in my lap the entire time. I talked to him about how brave he was and how soon he'd be romping in the fields with his sister again. My tears fell on his fur long after he took his last breath.

I'm still crying when I think about saying good-bye. And I'm so grateful I had so much love and joy with him, my childhood neighbor, my art gallery friend, my oncologist, and my other huskie this year. Each of these deaths has brought me sadness and loss.

When I feel sad, my mind seems to automatically go to other times when I've felt the stabbing pain of sadness and loss. Thankfully, now as an adult, I know that this heart ripping pain is only temporary. Sometimes, I liken it to the weather. I'm in the midst of an emotional storm, but soon it will pass. I know one day the sky will be sunny and blue again.

This pain, this stabbing pain of loss that cuts so deep you can't even think, that's how I felt as a child every single day. In the mornings, I threw up because of the emotional pain and trauma of my nights. I didn’t know how I could face the day.⁵

As a child, I didn't have the experience or support to deal with any of it. I couldn’t come close to comprehending that pain passes. That's why so many children who are sexually abused commit suicide or have untimely deaths.  

After my brother died, the Stake President and his wife showed up on our front porch. Their son had tragically died a couple of years before. The Stake President's wife gave us an article she wrote on grief and dying. One sentence of her paper still haunts me:

"In one small area of our community -- perhaps less than a quarter of a mile square, in the past five years, there have been ten young men, between the ages of sixteen and twenty-five killed accidentally -- motorcycles, cars, or freak accidents, such as we experienced in our family."

The Stake President’s wife, a very prominent leader, wrote that two years before my own brother died. There were many more deaths after.

Was it because they felt this stabbing pain and didn't know what to do with it? We will never know. There are more teenage deaths and suicides today.⁶ Is it related to the epidemic of childhood sexual abuse? I don’t know. I just know that childhood sexual abuse is the most insidious and painful thing I've ever experienced.

This is in no way to minimize others who have had to suffer through grueling cancer treatments. However, for me, my experience with those arduous cancer treatments doesn't even compare to the pain and loss I suffered as a child during the sexual assaults. A pain that never seemed to cease, long after the actual assaults stopped. I understand why survivors kill themselves. Living with that ongoing pain really doesn’t seem like life is worth living.

To survivors, please trust me. If I can heal from the trauma of the sexual abuse of my childhood--so, can you. I've created a wonderful, while flawed, beautiful life. So can you. I know you can work through this. Please know that the chronic pain will recede. In time, you'll have bouts of pain and loss, like the loss of a friend or a beloved pet. You'll cry. But you'll know you will get through it. You'll be able to feel joy with routine hiccups, stumbles, and growth and peace. You will be free.

I wrote this little ditty the night after I said good-bye to my joyful blue-eyed boy:

i weep because you are gone
such a loss of light, laughter and love
my heart breaks every time
i have to say good-bye
Giving me the assurance that
broken hearts are more open
stronger with unending ability
   to love again
   love more unconditionally
forever more.

1. I understand that not all survivors have the same feelings of love and safety with dogs. If you are one that an animal was used as part of your torture and abuse, my apologies. I did not have that experience, and animals have always been my protection, safety and nurturers.

2. That same philosophy carried forth for me through-out my childhood and young adult years.

3. If you or someone you know may be experiencing sexual violence or assault, please call the National Sexual Assault Hotline: CALL 800.656.HOPE (4673) or call 911, reporting can save a life.

4. Maybe hearing of the consistent warmth and concern this family offered me as a child will help current parents know what to do when they encounter children in need.

5. There is an abundance of evidence how repeated trauma and stress effects the human body, development and mental health of humans. Especially children growing and developing in every aspect of their lives. A professional therapist can help understand these processes and provide healing solutions and techniques.

6. https://www.cdc.gov/suicide/suicide-data-statistics.html
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/decisions-teens-make/202207/the-ongoing-epidemic-youth-suicide-in-america