Black and White Thinking

Try Seeing Color – It’s Unlimited

Our perception of the world in color. Photo courtesy of Valeria Boltneva.

Imagine never seeing color.¹ Everything is black and white. Either all good or all bad. Absolutes. There isn't even any gray areas. Plato's Allegory of the Cave shows gradients of gray portraying the complexity and subtlety of objects. Even my version of the Allegory still contains gradient's of gray. And, that shadowy world is not one in which most of us want to live.²

I have a friend currently working on re-framing his thinking. He is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober for several years. He struggles with "black and white" thinking. When he is in a place of calmness and serenity³, he can track this automatic thought processes of absolutes. However, when he is experiencing a tense moment, he almost unconsciously reverts to polarizing thinking. Everything is entirely positive or despairingly negative. It's painful to watch him battle this perception that his life isn't all black and white.

Most of us have experienced black and white thinking. It seems to be a natural progression of cognitive development. A rudimentary example: A child is taught to never touch the stove because sometimes it's hot and they can be hurt. As a child grows and develops, the child learns that most of the time the stove is off. It's okay to touch the stove, if the burners are off.

With a traumatic event, frequently children's development is comprised at the stage of their development when the trauma occurred. I had to do a lot of therapeutic work to rewire my thought processes regarding "black and white" thinking.

It was relatively easy to re-frame absolutes such as, "Men who wear Old Spice are perpetrators," to "Not all men who wear Old Spice Aftershave are bad."

I think I might have had an additional challenge because my father always spoke and thought in absolutes.⁴ Granted, the guy was a Master Sargent in the Rangers and lead his men through the South Pacific in WWII--and he didn't lose one man. In that setting, when he barked an order it was a matter of life or death. Black and white. It was very difficult for him to change his modus operandi when he returned from the War.

For the most part, I have grown past simple "Black and White" thinking. However, when I am in pain or just feeling sad, my mind automatically retrieves to times I've felt sad. It's uncanny. I have to fight the urge to say, "I've always felt this way!"

The reality is, nothing is constant, especially my feelings of despair.

“Black and white thinking is a thought pattern that makes people think in absolutes. For instance, you may think you are either always right or the world’s biggest failure. Psychologists consider this thought pattern to be a cognitive distortion because it keeps you from seeing life the way it really is: complex, uncertain, and constantly changing.”

—WedMD⁵

One of my favorite things to do is to engage in philosophical discussions. It's just fun. That's one of the reasons I loved college. One of my professors and I got into a rip snorting discussion about laws. His contention was that "Everything is relative." I contended that there are some absolute laws. He asked for an example. Naively, I said, "Gravity."

He smiled and said, "If you were an astronaut and launched in a rocket to the moon would the law of gravity still be in place?"

I shook my head and meekly said, "No.”

The professor continued, “Everything is relative. If you are on this earth, gravity is a law. Otherwise, gravity isn’t applicable. Everything is relative."

I challenge myself to question my rigid thinking and my absolutes.

I don't waste my time worrying about every day things like, "Stop at a stop light." In our society, it's just good to stop. Who cares if stop signs don't exist on the moon? I’m flexible with that rule because if I was driving a friend to the hospital because of a life threatening emergency--you better believe I'd pop those lights. I'd even hope a police officer saw me so the officer could help escort us to the Emergency Room!

When I find myself thinking things like, "I've always been sad...." or "White men are so clueless about their privilege”. ⁶ Then, I'll take some time to question my polarizing thinking. I try to reflect on my black and white thinking. I notice the timing, particularly when an occurrence of black and white thinking flares up. Then I try to come up with solutions. I like to have those ideas ready for the next time the black and white auto response kicks in for me. Then I can actively work on changing my “knee jerk” responses. It feels empowering to alter my rudimentary black and white thinking.

As a tip to my beloved survivors, if anyone tries to tell you that you "always do this” or “you are this” or “it's your fault.”⁷ I strongly encourage you to set a boundary⁸ with that person—those exerting outdated black and white absolutes-- are probably trying to keep you in the cave.

Finally, gradients of gray are lovely, but color is unlimited! Transcending black and white thinking helps us see the subtle miracles of life and begin to comprehend the endless possibilities of color.

1. I know some are color blind. But, that doesn't mean they are blind to color. If you have color blindness (color vision deficiency), it means you see colors differently than most people.

2. Unless we are too afraid to do the work to come out of the cave and adjust to a world filled with light, color, dimension, smells, touch, hearing, taste and all the other joyous and sometimes painful sensations beyond the cave of our reality. Please review:

3. AA Meetings usually conclude with “The Serenity Prayer.”

4. One of my therapists (after Karen Fisher) thought that one of the things my father probably suffered from was Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Granted she never met him, it was an observation based on my perception of him. Trying to understand him and understand his reactions and choices to his trauma and his life experiences helped me forgive him. Again, I forgave him for me, so that I didn't carry that angst around with me all the time. So, when my father fell on his knees begging for my forgiveness, I authentically was able to say, "Dad I forgave you long ago. You need to forgive yourself." Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots, pps 213-217

5. https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/black-and-white-thinking

6. I am working on this bias right now. I know several empathetic wonderful white men. It's when I spend too much time reading stupid comments from supposedly white men on social media that this bias flares up for me. I'm actively working on it. I don't even know if those are REAL white men making those harmful, idiotic comments. It could simply be a bot! Again, I'm working on it.

7. This is DARVO. See detailed explanation of DARVO.

8. Boundaries are healthy. They are NOT black and white thinking. Although frequently when you set a boundary with someone, they will accuse you of attacking or black and white thinking. See https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/
And my post about DARVO, above (Ibid).