Why the title: Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots
The Significance of the Title
At the University of Utah, I took a series of American Literature classes, that covered the 1800s time period. During those classes I learned about the concept of “Cardboard Grasshoppers.” That term was somewhat of a trendy term in its day, for characters in books being flat with no dimension. It was coined by Henry James, or a critic of Henry James’s writing.
When I read about Cardboard Grasshoppers, I thought of many of the imposters I knew. I had just finished my studies at BYU, and I’d grown accustomed to a sugary sweet disposition of many of my fellow students. At the time, BYU had an overall atmosphere of outward kindness. For me, the Disneyland-like atmosphere of joy was nice. However, just like Disneyland, behind the scenes there are some of the characters smoking on their breaks. Which can be awkward when an unassuming child stumbles upon a Mickey Mouse character taking a drag of a cig in a remote area of the park.
It happens. And I experienced similar phony behavior of some at BYU.
After I’d started the University of Utah, I didn’t experience the same type of forced niceness. People were nice, but it didn’t seem forced.
As I studied more about Henry James, his brother William, and their sister Alice, I became intrigued with the concept of “Cardboard Grasshoppers.” Yes, the term was a cliché of the day. Phony characters in novels that leapt out of books to everyday life. Cardboard Grasshoppers was a term for people without dimension. Without substance, meaning or heart.
In context, the country was in the throes of the Civil War. Division and polarization were the norm of the culture in America. This climate lead Henry James’s brother, William James, to gravitate to study of the mental development of humans. William James is now known as the "Father of American psychology."
Then, I read about their sister, Alice.
Alice James had some problems. She was diagnosed with “hysteria.”1
"In 1888, Alice wrote in her diary that she was both suicidal and homicidal. She was struggling with the urge to kill her father, though this diary entry does not state the reason why she was patricidal."
Really? William James’s sister was struggling with the urge to kill her father?
I passed my exams, and not much was tested on Cardboard Grasshoppers or the Hysteria of Alice James. But I never forgot the story of Alice James.
A few years after graduation, I was cleaning out the attic in my home. Gramps was still alive, and I was redoing my upstairs apartment. I found the hand drawn Paper Doll my grandmother water colored and cut out for my mother.
In honor of my grandmother’s paper doll, my section of the book starts with the entry from my journal: “A tear could have washed her away….”
When I dealt with the ramifications of the sexual assault of my childhood, I remembered an older girl saving me from the teenage boys. Taking my hand, soothing my tears, and bringing me to her home to calm me. She took out paper and cut out Paper Dolls in a string.
All one string. Connected.
Carol’s section also contains scenes of her grandchildren cutting out paper dolls. When we decided on the title, we both agreed paper dolls would be the title. I insisted that we intentionally misspell it because I wanted the meaning that we are all connected to be obvious.
Carol and I debated on the subtitle. I insisted on the word “healing” because that’s the main reason I agreed with my therapist, Karen Fisher, to even write the book. Carol was adamant about the word “Mormon.” When I realized that many people didn’t even believe that sexual abuse happens in Mormon communities, I agreed.
The 1992 release title: Paperdolls: Healing from Sexual Abuse in Mormon Neighborhoods2
Carol and I met Linda Sillitoe. Linda was an acclaimed local author and writer for Utah Holiday Magazine. Linda asked about the title, particularly why the reference to Paper Dolls. Carol responded explaining the incidents with my neighborhood friend saving me, and also mentioned her grandchildren playing with Paper Dolls. Linda Sillitoe smiled and didn’t seem impressed. I then told her about the Cardboard Grasshoppers, Henry and William James and their hysterical sister Alice who wanted to kill her father. I explained that in many ways, Paper Dolls are like Cardboard Grasshoppers: fragile, flat without dimension.
“My story portrays my shredding of my imposter paper doll presentation to a real, fully dimensional person,” I said.
When I looked up at Linda, her eyes glistened. Linda Sillitoe became one of our strongest supporters and her review is prominent on the newly released Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots.
When Carol’s daughter, Lorraine, saw the addition of Cowboy Boots to the recently released title, she said, “I love it, it covers the boys too.”
Yes. But that’s not the main reason I added Cowboy Boots.
I’m not going to spoil this story in the book. The Cowboy Boot story is true. It brings me joy whenever I think of it. I hope you smile when you read about it. Please remember the Cowboy Boots story is included so that you know you don’t have to do something infinitely heroic or timeless for your life to be worthwhile.
You don’t have to win a Nobel prize, get an academy award, or swim from Cuba to Florida to give your life meaning. Once you have yourself: loving and laughing and joy is enough. The simple act of giving a little boy back his cowboy boots is enough. You are enough.
If you want to climb Mt Everest, swim the English Chanel, strive for a gold medal3 in the Olympics—that’s great. Have fun. Don’t fall into the shame trap that you have to be a superhero to be worthwhile. You are enough.
Keep doing the work. Nurturing yourself, choosing hope, and taking baby steps and you’ll transcend the limitations of a one-dimensional existence to be an authentic person with facets and layers you can continue to discover, learn about, and grow.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alice_James
When the national publisher picked up the book in 1993, I still insisted on Healing and Carol still insisted on Mormon. Recovery Publications gave it a slightly different subtitle, “Paperdolls: A True Story of Childhood Sexual Abuse in Mormon Neighborhoods.”
Michael Phelps the greatest Olympian of all time. Even Michael Phelps didn’t find lasting fulfillment in his achievements. His struggle with mental illness is well documented.
https://michaelphelpsfoundation.org/
I’ve heard you tell me this story probably 3 or 4 times but never in this much detail. Great message about all being connected!!