Victims/Survivors in Pain
Can have difficulty distinguishing help
When I was in 3rd grade, I had a little dog named "Puff." Because when I got her, she was just a big round puffy ball of puppy. One day, I was across the street on a neighbor’s front lawn. Somehow Puff escaped our backyard. She saw me across the street and bolted for me. I held my little hands up and said, "No, stay." She flew right in front of a car. I watched as her little body was crushed by the front driver's side tire. I raced into the street. Her little body was contorting in pain. She was screaming, yelping and howling. I grabbed her convulsing body and held her.
She nipped at me. I held her anyway and her convulsions stopped. I carried her limp body to our backyard.
My brother Tom appeared. He put a blanket over Puff. Then he put Metholiade1 on my hand where I'd been bitten. I didn't feel the burn. Tears streamed down my young face. I couldn't understand why Puff bit me. I was her favorite person in the whole world.
Now I know that when someone is in agony, they can't tell if a hand will hurt or help.
I have a close male friend dealing with a loved one in crises right now. His wife, an adult woman, is starting to deal with the horrors of the sexual abuse she suffered as a child. My friend called because he feels helpless. His wife, in crises, lashed out. Not physically but lashed out with words.
I told him the story of little Puff. How I learned that those who are in such pain, they can't distinguish help from hurt. I told my dear friend to step back. Let the professionals handle the crises, never judge, don’t take it personally, or abandon his wife. Love. The professional therapists will do the rest. They'll know how to help her. I also suggested he get into therapy. He said he was already going.
During our conversation, I quoted Karen Fisher: "One begins to deal with it when they are in a safe enough place to begin dealing with it."
I have a hunch his wife is in a safe enough relationship to fall apart. Professional therapy, his love and willingness to go to therapy to deal with his own stuff will help too. Then, it's up to her. No one can do it for her. The only thing I know is that it really hurts. But, dealing with it, and sludging through that pain is worth it. She can do it. Again, if I can, anyone can
.
My prayer on the cusp of this meteorological spring2, is that one day, the evil crime against humanity we call sexual assault will be eradicated from our world. Carol's granddaughter said it best, "The lucky ones are the ones who never had it happen.”3 One day, I pray, that will be the norm. Until then, to all survivors and those who love and support survivors: keep loving. Take care of yourself and those you love. Support one another, and know, you are stronger than you think.
Always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and loved more than you know.
– A. A Milne
https://thesurvivaljournal.com/merthiolate/
https://www.nationalgeographic.com/environment/article/history-science-of-meteorological-astronomical-seasons
See Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots, page 154
beautiful analogy