Forgiveness to the Bystanders

The Perils of the Mob Mentality & Our Strength in Numbers

To those who have read Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots, you know that as a child I was abused in a group situation by teenage boys in my neighborhood. When Karen Fisher, my therapist, was helping me unravel the quagmire of pain, she counted the “observers” as abusers. I let that tally stand after the first publications and did not edit that section of the original book when I re-released the updated version this year.

Forgiveness

I am officially extending a formal message of forgiveness to the bystanders. The observers. I forgive you for not being brave enough to confront and/or stop the ring leaders of the abuse. Forgiveness to the long ago teenager boys who are now unhappy, unfulfilled, even tormented men.

In March of this past year, a dear friend notified me that one of the observers had tragically died. My friend texted, “I can’t remember, was he an abuser or a victim?”

I blinked back tears and texted, “Victim.”

The deceased was an observer. A bystander. He was 3-4 years younger than the senior high school¹ boys who came to the neighborhood and lead the torture of the younger children in the neighborhood.

As an adult, when I started dealing with the trauma of my childhood, Karen Fisher counted those bystanders as abusers. I wish I could ask her about it now. Possibly Karen thought that the young bystanders could have left, told someone, or even stopped the main culprits. Now, in 2024, I don’t think it was that simple for those young boys, the bystanders.

The younger teenage boys were present but too afraid to stop the older, bigger, teenagers. I think the observers were victims also. Many of those bystanders have suffered through-out their lives. I’m aware of at least 3 men who suffered with mental illness, drugs and alcohol abuse—two died under tragic circumstances.

To those innocent bystanders of my childhood, I extend forgiveness.

I originally entitled this piece, “mob mentality” because that is one of my most primal fears. Individuals do horrific things when they are caught up in a group dynamic. If you’ve read “Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots” you know why. If you haven’t read the book, you can purchase it here at significantly reduced cost or at various other bookstores here.

Then, I thought of possibly giving this missive a title of Strength in Numbers, because humanity wouldn’t exist if we didn’t work together. Rugged individualism is all well and good, but we wouldn’t exist if we didn’t bond together. Fortunately, the majority of people are good.² I believe that we all want to live productive, contributing, authentic lives. With occasional snippets of joy and a foundation of love and acceptance. When we are joined in an effort of common good, the “walls of Jericho” can literally crumble.

However, I know there is evil in the world. There are sick and selfish people simply wanting to dominate others to try to fill up their own empty souls.³ Evil exists with far too many hallow bodies acting out that evil. It doesn’t mean everybody is evil. Not even everyone in the same group is evil. The childish cliché, “One bad apple ruins the whole bunch” only applies to apples. NOT PEOPLE.

People aren’t apples. (Photo courtesy of Pexels)

“When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it--always.”

—Mahatma Ghandi

Most People are Good

Remember, most people are good. The way of truth and love will always prevail.

So yes, there’s some aberration of a minority of people trying to subvert the propagation of our species and subvert the sacredness of life. But, they are the minority. Remember that. Simply because they are bullies, you don’t have to fear them or follow them. There is strength in numbers.

When I was in college⁴ and during my semester of student teaching, I was tasked with teaching The Crucible by Arthur Miller. The playbill’s byline reads: A haunting examination of group-think and mass hysteria in a rural community. In the 1950s, Arthur Miller was named and publicly persecuted in the fever of McCarthyism and the “Red Scare.” Miller wrote The Crucible in response to that public fear and utter insanity.

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“The Crucible: An Allegory of McCarthyism

Miller wrote The Crucible (1953) as a response to the McCarthy era’s witch hunt. The play, set during the Salem witch trials of 1692, explores the dangers of mass hysteria, false accusations, and the destruction of lives and reputations. Miller saw parallels between the Salem witch trials and the Red Scare, using the former as an allegory for the latter. The play’s themes of paranoia, fear-mongering, and the erosion of civil liberties resonated with audiences and critics, cementing Miller’s reputation as a master playwright.”⁵

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When I taught this section, I assigned the high school students to do several outside writing assignments. One of them involved getting on a crowded elevator, and facing the wall for the entire time the elevator was moving. They had to stay on the elevator for 5 minutes and not say a word to anyone. If someone asked them why they were facing the wrong way, they could answer, “It’s for a school assignment.” Then, their assignment was to write about their experience. Most were so uncomfortable, they had to turn around and face the “right” way: facing the door and watch the lights in silence like everyone else.⁶

After those “non-conforming” assignments were done, I read them a section from Hermon Wouk’s “War and Remembrance” I picked a very moving section about Auschwitz commandant Rudolf Höss testing a young officer as they watched the beautiful, naked, women and children enter the gas chambers. Commandant Höss watched the young officer intently to ensure the young officer could handle the brutality. The young officer broke into a sweat and started trembling as they watched one little girl pick up a flower, smell it, then hold it as she skipped into the chamber to her death.

The little girl image is from Pexels. The background photo is an actual photo of corpses found when US troops liberated Gusen I edited the little girl image and merged it with the photo of the concentration camp.

When I finished reading that section to my junior English class, several students were sniffling. I said, “Following orders was one of the main excuses offered by the Nazi’s who killed so many.”⁷

I explained that I was using the story of the young Nazi officer and had them stand the wrong way in the elevator as a simile to those who burned the witches in The Crucible. Then, I told them why Arthur Miller wrote The Crucible. I tried to carefully evaluate the atmosphere is the classroom. I didn’t want the students afraid or hopeless about humanity. I wanted them to be aware of the power of the herd mentality, yet be able to use the strength in numbers. We are stronger together. I summarized each class with the positive aspects of society and working together.

We are Stronger Together

There were 3 guys on the track team in my class. I wanted to reach them, so I told the miraculous story of Roger Bannister breaking the 4 minute mile. The guys knew all about it. Some even added comments about how remarkable Roger Bannister was for doing it. One young man in my class said his best time for the mile was 3 seconds over 4 minutes, and he shook his head with admiration. We talked about how before Roger Bannister broke the 4 minute mile, many thought it was impossible. On May 6, 1954, Roger Bannister, did it. His time was 3:59.4.

What was even more remarkable, once one person did it, others quickly followed. 46 days later, John Landy of Australia broke Bannister’s miraculous world record with a time of 3:58.4. Many elite runners followed suit. Once the impossible became the standard. The young man in my junior English class said that was his goal to break the 4 minute mile.⁸

Roger Bannister breaking the 4 minute mile.

We Inspire One Another

That’s the power of human socialization. We inspire one another. We are all connected.⁹ But, we aren’t at the mercy of others. We still have our own self determination to do the right thing: To be good, of God. We can stand up for those being bullied. We have the ability to do better, when we know better.

As Maya Angelo said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

Speaking of Maya Angelo, she is the most famous and the very first survivor of child sexual abuse, I know. She is my Roger Bannister. She broke impossible barriers. Many have followed her lead and done so also. Always remember, so can you.

1. One had graduated and was waiting his Marine Basic Training.

2. My use of the word good, is intentional. Good being originally derived from God.

3. That’s as nice as I can phrase it.

4. See Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots, pages 92-93

5. Brave AI's Leo Summary (Based on the provided search results, Brave AI summary is called “Brave Leo”. It’s a browser-native AI assistant built into the Brave browser)

6. I also taught them about the Milgram Experiments. As I write in Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots, my professor at the university was a reporter at the Nuremberg Trials. When he reviewed my lessons, my professor grew agitated and roared that Milgram Experiments were rubbish. My professor said, “We have ample evidence that people will commit atrocities because of blind obedience to authority and social conformity—we don't need to conduct experiments about torture.” I explained that I was teaching The Crucible and Miller’s ties to the “Red Scare.” My professor paused then surprisingly he started clapping his hands together. His tone completely changed when he said, “Brilliant. I think they’ll actually learn something.”

7. https://www.pbs.org/newshour/science/how-the-nazis-defense-of-just-following-orders-plays-out-in-the-mind

8. I don’t know if he ever did, but I’d like to think he did it!

9. Like the intentionally misspelled Paperdolls, in the title of the book. We are all connected.