Forgiveness

Response to Sunday, January 21, 2024 article, "To forgive is divine, but what if it's used to coerce silence?"

UPDATE The books will be here next weekend. I’ll get ‘em signed and out of here ASAP. Thank you for your patience.

Forgiveness is an enormous and complicated topic for sexual abuse survivors. Elizabeth Smart asked me about it in our interview for Warner Brothers, my co-author and I had many robust discussions about forgiveness, and forgiveness was a topic for an untold number of therapy sessions I had with Karen Fisher.

First and foremost, yes, I forgave my perpetrators. Next, the manner in which I forgave was not the divine absolution that actually God can only grant. I forgave them for me. It took a long time and extensive therapy for me to get to the point I wanted to forgive.

For me, I wanted to get rid of the toxic carcinogens the perps dumped in me as a child. That abuse has no natural polymers and doesn't decompose or is bio-degradable. It stays in the psyche, sometimes latent, other times leaking out causing all sorts of pain and destruction. For many, I guess the actual process I'm talking about is healing. Because of my religious background—I like the idea of forgiveness. I like the word. Also, I like being the one in control, the one who forgave. With always the clause that it's not okay that it happened. I'll never forget and it's not like it didn't happen.

I simply don't want you, my perpetrators, and your horrific actions to have power over me and control me for the rest of my life. I forgive you. But you'll have to work out the details with God. Because I'm pretty sure you're going to hell.

I love the book, The Color Purple by Alice Walker. I love the story of Celie, after years of horrific abuse, finding herself and creating her own uniquely beautiful life. I also love the arch and transformation of the character, Mister.¹ One of my favorite parts of The Color Purple happens when the character Sophia confronts the main character, Celie about "Mister’s" abuse.

Celie: This life soon be over, I say. Heaven last all ways.

Sophia: You ought to bash Mr —— head open, she say. Think bout heaven later.

Today, on the Salt Lake Tribune the front-page article is entitled, "To forgive is divine, but what if it's used to coerce silence?"

Photo courtesy of the Salt Lake Tribune

I read the entire article. There were many times I thought to myself, "...we need to bash so and so's head open and worry about heaven later." I found myself most outraged at the relatives in Chelsea Goodrich's life who started speaking for God and telling her to forgive.

Let me be clear: NO ONE HAS TO FORGIVE. And if you decide to forgive, you can do it when you are ready and in a manner that is comfortable for you.

Also, please remember, we are not static beings. It's not like you forgive and then it's done forever. Here's an example, when my mother called me on the phone in 2002 and told me that one of my perps was dead, I didn't feel a thing. In fact, I barely missed a beat. Later, as I wrote in my journal, I reflected on how proud I was of my healing. I really didn't care. For me, at the initial notice he was dead, I thought I'd completely "forgiven" him because hearing about his death had no effect on me whatsoever. My mother was deeply moved. She was the Visiting Teaching companion with the perp's mother at the time of his death, and the perp’s mother sobbed that it was "Horrible and all over the news."

I still didn't care. I vaguely remember thinking that maybe he had a horrible car crash or something.

It wasn't until two weeks later when my brother searched the internet that I found out what happened. Almost instantly, all that forgiveness I had for that perp was replaced with utter rage.

This perp, the guy who grew up across the street from me, his mother was still visiting teaching companions with my mother, this perp: abducted, sexually slaughtered, and murdered 13-year-old Kacie Woody.

Again, my forgiveness for that perp was instantly replaced with despair, then quickly rage.  I hope he is rotting in hell. And I'm still angry with everyone in our old childhood neighborhood who knew I wrote the book, and still, no one did anything about the teenage perps who went on to become serial killers and attempted serial soul murders. ²

For me, forgiveness of those particular perps, is gone. The quote from The Color Purple is more apropos to my perspective: Might be time to bash in so and so's head and think about heaven later.³

To those of you who are uncomfortable with my anger. I want you to remember the story of Jesus's wrath at the temple with the traders, money changers, and merchants.⁴ Jesus was loving and forgiving, but he didn't shy away from conflict when needed.

My co-author and I had different opinions about forgiveness. She claimed she couldn’t forgive.  It took me a long time to realize that she was trying to do the "Forgiveness is divine" thing. She couldn’t forgive because she knew it was never okay what the perps had done to some of her children and grandchildren. If that is the only definition of forgiveness, I couldn’t do it either. I decided how and when I wanted to forgive. I did it for me. Not for them.

Please remember you can forgive if and when you want. Only when you are ready. For me, in time, I felt lighter and freer. Regardless of whether you forgive or not, please try to let go of the weight of their horrific abuse because it's not your fault. It all belongs to them.

1. Rarely does literature or movies show the transformation of the abuser. Spoiler alert: Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots depicts this with one of my most formable perpetrators, It's a hopeful portrayal that good can always win. The human soul can rise above and one day we can eliminate the horrors of child sexual abuse.

2. You’ll read about three of the notorious perpetrators in Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots.

3. facetiously

4. Matthew 21:12-17