Finding the Sweet Spot: Boundaries That Bring Peace
What if your boundaries could protect you and deepen connection? Here’s a simple tool that changed everything.
Note from April: Last week, I read a wonderful post from Tammy Aston about boundaries, with a practical guide on how to establish and check boundaries. Most of us, especially those of us who were sexually abused as children, need guidance and support in establishing boundaries. I reached out to Tammy and she graciously agreed for me to send this wonderful guide to all our subscribers.
There was a time in my life when I would tell my story to anyone who would listen. It didn’t matter who they were, how I knew them, or even if they wanted to hear it. I shared with friends, co-workers, even strangers I met at church.
It’s safe to say, I didn’t have many close friends. I was young, inexperienced, and naive. I thought everyone was safe.
We all know someone like this. We’ve all worked with someone like this.
Fast forward to more recent years. I’ve received feedback that I don’t share many stories about my time at the White House. I suspect some of you don’t even know this part of my story. So here’s a quick 50,000-foot view:
I was stationed at the White House Communications Agency during my Army career. I traveled around the world on a Presidential Travel Team with Presidents Clinton and Bush. Later, I supported the Secret Service and various military entities on the White House Complex. After leaving active duty, I transitioned into a contractor role with the same agency, and eventually moved over to the political side of the White House. There, I served as Help Desk Manager during the last two years of the Bush Administration and the first six months of the Obama Administration.
Now that you know this, let’s get back to the topic at hand.
The first time someone mentioned this to me, it was a family member I’m very close to. I love and value her, so her words landed gently. She told me I rarely share much about my experiences. And she was right. I explained that this tendency goes back to the way we were trained in D.C.—to be mindful of who is around and why they might be interested in what you do. A trip to the Spy Museum made that lesson crystal clear.
The second time I heard the same feedback was at my current job. My managers were curious about my background, and at that point I promised to be more open. Over time, I’ve started sharing more—and interestingly, it has actually helped in my assignments.
The third time was with my writing group, a small circle of women who know my whole story. They’ve walked through the dark parts with me and celebrated with me at my wedding last year. During one of our monthly sessions, I shared the feedback I’d received at work, and they agreed. “You don’t share much with us either,” they said.
That one stung a little. These women are my safe place. If anyone deserves the brighter parts of me, it’s them.
So why am I telling you this?Because these examples show three different types of personal boundaries—and the lessons they’ve taught me.
The first example—telling my story to anyone who would listen—was a porous boundary. I overshared.
The second example—shutting down and protecting everything—was a rigid boundary.
The sweet spot is somewhere in the middle. It’s learning to share appropriately. Not too much, not too little.
One of the tools that has helped me find that middle ground is something I call Share–Check–Share.
I first learned this concept from a mentor during a study on boundaries, and it’s changed how I decide who gets access to my story.
Here’s how Share–Check–Share works:
Imagine a fence with a gate around you. That fence represents your boundaries.
You can open the gate wide and let everyone in. But soon it gets crowded, the grass wears thin, and when it rains it becomes a muddy mess where no one wants to stay.
Instead, try opening the gate just a little. Share a small piece of information—something that wouldn’t harm you if it got repeated. Then close the gate and watch.
If that person shares it carelessly or throws it back at you in a heated moment, you’ve learned something: keep that gate shut.
But if they protect that information, they’ve earned your trust. Next time, you can open the gate a little wider. Little by little, trust is built.
This practice has been a blessing in my life. It allows me to honor myself, protect my peace, and slowly open up to those who are worthy of a deeper connection.
As you think about your own boundaries, I invite you to reflect on this:
Journal Prompts:
When was a time you felt you overshared and regretted it? What did you learn from that experience?
Who in your life has shown they can be trusted with a small piece of your story? How can you nurture that relationship?
What does a healthy boundary look like for you right now—what would it feel like to stand confidently behind your own gate?
Your Turn:
Over the next two weeks, try using Share–Check–Share in one or two conversations. Notice how it feels to open your gate just a little, pause, and watch what happens. You may be surprised at how this small practice can grow trust and bring you peace.
P.S. I’d love to hear how it goes! Let me know what you noticed when you tried Share–Check–Share in your own conversations.
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