Does it matter if I show my face?

Publicly show my face?

At the time of the first release of Paperdolls, I wanted to protect the walking wounded in my childhood neighborhood. Those who had not dealt with the trauma of the abuse in our neighborhood. I wrote that I believed people remember when they are ready to remember. I believed that and blasting them with the truth could exacerbate their wounds.

During the last decades since the book was initially released, I’ve met many from the old neighborhood. Everyone knew who I was and that I wrote the book. I went to so much effort to try to protect them and, at my therapist's encouragement, to protect my family. My therapist said that she still had a great deal of faith in my siblings, and she didn't want them boxed into a corner they couldn't get out of by having their identities discovered. I changed things like dates, professions, places, even genders. Apparently, everyone in my childhood neighborhood still knew. I asked a couple, and they simply said, "They just knew. Or so and so told them." Sometimes the personal with whom they referred as so and so, was part of the abuse when it happened to me. Frequently, I didn't know who the person was who told them. Remember, I was a little kid, and lots of those involved were older teenagers.

In 1992, shortly after the book was released, I received an urgent message from my therapist, Karen Fisher. At the time, she was on a beach in California recovering from one of her cancer surgeries. A reporter from the Associated Press had tracked her down. Karen's voice message to me was, "April, I just got off the phone with a national reporter. I want to remind you again, no matter how good it feels to finally be able to shed the shrouds of secrecy and shame, please don't compromise your anonymity. People on the national scale, and sadly some reporters, will use your story for sensational sales."

During my therapy, long before the book was released, I had learned that it wasn't my fault. The shame that came with the horrific abuse belonged to my perpetrators. I even understood how perpetrators try to twist things around and blame the victim. I was clear about all that.

By the time Karen left her urgent message, I had started receiving letters and notes from other victims/survivors. Frequently, the message included the phrase, "You told my story. You could be me."

When I returned Karen's call, I assured her that I understood how good it felt to be open with trusted souls and not the public at large. We even joked about AA, which my parents had been attending for years. It's called Alcoholics Anonymous for a reason. It's wonderful and important to share with those who understand, but the general public can be stupid and cruel.

Last week, I met with a well-known, national group helping women survivors of sexual abuse. The lead therapist at the group thought it would be beneficial to other survivors if I showed my face. It's the second time this national organization has brought this up.

I respect this organization. It gave me pause. My "knee-jerk reaction" is still no. I've been through this before. Not because I'm ashamed, but I'm so much more than just a sexual abuse survivor.

Friends looking from same perspective. Photo Courtesy of Thomas Bohel

I have some basic knowledge of human interactions. One thing I've learned when you first meet someone, or even a group, everything usually starts by sharing safe general traits or experiences. For example, I look for tiny things that could possibly be a bridge for common ground between us. A photo of Lake Powell? I'm all over that, I ask about boating, waterskiing, even fishing. If it's just a stock photo, I can usually ask about why they picked it. I have yet to have someone say, "I don't know, the office decorator just put it up." It always evokes some type of conversation, at a minimum of how both of us like nature and the outdoors.

In time, and depending on the relationship, people start sharing more personal aspects of themselves. In very intimate situations, they share challenges, grief, and even pain experienced and overcome

Circle of energy courtesy of PX Here

One doesn't walk in and meet a new person and dump the horror of their life on the table. The other person would probably throw their hands up and say, "Never mind."

So here I am. A real person who, at the strong urgings of my therapist, asked me to take all my writings and my journals and publish it for other survivors--to show the healing process from beginning to end—resulting in the book Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots.

Yes, I wrote this for survivors.¹ But does it really help them that much more to publicly show my face? I'd like to believe that it is the truth of my story and the vulnerability of the writing -- and the hope I provide that gives survivors the greatest gift.

If any of you have strong opinions on this, I am open to listen.² Please keep in mind, I'd like to meet new people and have normal, superficial interactions until common ground is found. Then, if it feels right, continue sharing less superficial things. And, maybe once in a great while, share deeply personal information. That's how I normally build meaningful relationships. I think that's how most humans do it. And it feels like losing my anonymity would violate that natural interaction between people. I love the natural flow and discovery of new people.

To other survivors, please know, it's not because I'm ashamed. It's because I enjoy meeting and getting to know various people. Most stay on the jolly, outer sphere of my circle of associates. Some come closer, naturally, in time, with the sharing of common aspects of beauty...and pain.

As far as the actual book, Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots, it is meant to be a gift to other survivors. Most will see the common aspects of our pain. Many will feel like I'm telling their story, In many ways, I am. The book can be used as a support, in your own journey to healing, self-discovery and building your own uniquely beautiful life.

1. Of course, I'm willing to meet with sexual abuse survivors--and show my face. We have a lot in common. However, for closer friendships and relationships, I'd like to have more in common than just surviving and healing from sexual abuse. I'm much more than just a sexual abuse survivor, and I'd like those in my inner circle to be multifaceted people as well.

2. If you have a strong opinion about this, please write to the “orders” e-mail (https://paperdollscowboyboots.com). It will get forwarded to me, and I promise I will listen to your opinion. If you are a paid subscriber, you can leave a comment here. Again, I will listen to your perspective and opinion.