Confrontation

Doesn't necessarily mean going public

In Paperdolls, we structured the book following Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s stages of grief. We altered the adjectives to describe our sections with more emotion, because my co-author and I felt that the sexual abuse of a child is the most monstorious act humans can commit. We also changed Kübler-Ross’s “Bargaining” section to “Confrontation.”

There’s no bargaining with pedophiles.

Confrontation Settion Artwork from Paperdolls: Healing from Sexual Abuse in Mormon Neighborhoods. The first book, in its entirely, is included in Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots.

Confrontation

I will do such things—What they are yet I know not,
But they shall be the terrors of the earth. You think I’ll weep:
No, I shall not weep. I have full cause of weeping, but this heart
Shall break into a hundred thousand flaws Or ere I’ll weep.
--William Shakespeare from King Lear

I believe one of the most healing actions I took was confronting my perpetrators. Karen Fisher, my skilled therapist, set up the confrontation in the form of a two day therapy “family meeting.” I invited every member of my family of origin. Everyone who was still on this earth came—except my father.¹

Karen invited another very skilled therapist to conduct the entire session. Karen was there specifically to support me. During the two day session, every single family member was confronted and shared. It was a safe and healing experience for everyone.²

After this remarkable family meeting, Karen Fisher brought up the idea of me compiling all my writings, with her providing commentary, and publishing it as a gift to other survivors of childhood sexual abuse. ³

Judicial Courts are not the only manner of confrontation

After the book was published, many reviewers applauded Paperdolls for providing a non-judicial example for confrontation and healing.

Discussions with David Hardy

As I’ve been contemplating the soon to be released article by David and myself about “Navigating the Snake Pit” I’ve learned that most still believe confrontation via the legal system is the most powerful and effective remedy. David will be probably address this issue in our upcoming article.

My Pseudonym

If you’ve read Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots, you’ll also know that Karen Fisher is the one who wanted us to change the identifying details more, and spruce up our pen names. She said that she loved my family, and didn’t want ignorant naysayers to box them in a shame filled corner. My co-author and I agreed to adjust the manuscript accordingly. After the book came out, I am so glad we did.

I am so much more than just a sexual abuse survivor. I didn’t realize the impact the book would have, and I’ve enjoyed the anonymity to bumble about. That bumbling has included some beautifully authentic moments, mistakes, and learn and grown and fumble along like everyone else.

David Hardy has commented that my pen name might have protected me from frivolous lawsuits and such. I’m not sure. My family was at the family meeting, and everyone was free and open and apologizing for the horrible acts that were committed. Then, when Kacie Woody and Elizabeth Smart suffered horrific abductions and abuses (and Kacie’s murder), by two boys in my child hood neighborhood—it doesn’t seem likely anyone could doubt my testimony. Maybe the pseudonym protected me, but the events and admissions protected me also.

Your Choice:

To my beloved survivors: if you choose to go pubic with your story, you can have a pseudonym, mask your face, alter your voice, or simply tell your story as you—as you wish. We’ll explain more of these options when Davi and I finish our article. Until then, please know, I believe confronting those who did me wrong was extremely healing for me. Read the Confrontation Section of Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots to get a better understanding of how that happened.

Stay tuned for:

Navigating The Snake Pit: going public with your story. With real life experiences from David Hardy about his experiences helping survivors reduce the likelihood of a lawsuit and decreasing the impact of DARVO.

1. My father spent one full afternoon, driving around the building.

2. For details on exactly how this meeting unfolded, who said what, to whom, and when, please see Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots, pages 130-136

3. The meeting was so healing and life changing that when I brought up Karen’s idea to my mother and siblings, they all commended the idea. If others could find healing from such burdensome shame, they all wanted to provide that gift. (NOTE: if you read the book, you’ll see that this supportive attitude was not sustainable for my siblings)