Being able to let others make amends
Was harder than I imagined. I am so glad I was able to adjust and accept my father's sincere work.
Last Friday, I saw a “note” on substack from Jessy Easton. As I read it, I was transported back to the summer of 1996, after my grandfather died. My father had fallend on his knees as my grandfather’s funeral—and begged my forgiveness. At that moment, I said, “Dad, I forgave you years ago, you have to forgive yourself. Now please stand up, you’re embarrassing me.”
The following week, my dad showed up at my house. Just like Jessy’s mom gardening for her, my dad started digging in my backyard. He had garden tools and shovels. He decided he was going to put a sprinkler system in and add electrify to the garage.
I wanted sprinklers and electricity to the garage. But, I didn’t expect to be so bugged to have him around so much!
He had never been around, and suddenly he was here, working in the yard all the time. I was stunned at my reaction.
I called friends, my therapist, and my support group. Why did this bother me so much? He was just doing yard work and as a child, I always longed to have his support. Plus, I thought I’d forgiven him. Why was I so distressed to have him near?
After a few days, I decided to talk to him. He was shoveling a trench for the sprinklers. I grabbed the shovel, and said, “Dad, you have the money to pay for this, if you want me to have sprinklers and electricity so much, why don’t you pay someone to do it?”
He was looking at the dirt.
I waited.
When he looked at me, tears were trickling down his face. Then, he met my eye and said, “I need to earn your forgiveness. There is no way I can ever make it up to you for all the harm I’ve caused. Please let me do this for you for as long as I can.”
I handed him back the shovel and said, “Dig away.”
He died 5 years Later. During those 5 years, he spent a lot of time doing as much as he could for me, including a lot of manual labor.
I spoke at his funeral.
I believe he finally experienced a degree of peace because he did what he could to make amends for the harm he’d done.
I’m glad I was able to work through my discomfort, to let him do that work.
I also know that not many survivors of sexual abuse ever get this from their perp.
To my beloved survivors, you don’t need your perp to fall on their knees and beg your forgiveness. You can heal no matter what they do. It’s not easy, but you can do it. Please remember, it’s not your fault. You aren’t irreparably broken. You can heal and create your own authentic life.
Thank you Jessy for reminding us that occasionally those who have neglected or hurt us, can change and attempt to make amends.