Anger/Rage Update
Latest research shows that physical exercise is not helpful to let go of anger.
Pushing through the anger stage is imperative in the healing process. One must walk directly through this pain in order to progress to next stages in the healing process. Carol and I organized the major sections of Paperdolls emulating Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's stages of grief and loss.1 We took creative license and changed the sections slightly to reflect our experience with the stages to heal from sexual assault. For the anger phase, we amped it up to be "Rage." Annihilating or attempting to murder a child's soul is enraging. When it happens to you, the rage rises like bile in your throat. Metaphorically speaking, it raises up to your eyes and you cannot see anything but rage.
When the assault happens, a child experiences life threatening rage. If the child isn't able to get help soon, frequently that rage is stuffed deep in the soul. It doesn't break up or disintegrate. It has a shelf life longer than plastic.2 When I was a child, I didn't get help. I stuffed it in the darkest parts of my psyche. As an adult woman, finally dealing with the betrayal and trauma, the rage surfaced. My pain was buried for so long that when I stated to release it, it felt like I was exploding. I felt like I was a pressure cooker exploding:
In the early 90s, there was a common technique to release the anger and "let it all out." In my Father's Day post recently, I told the story of one of Karen's clients, smashing up old glassware then sweeping it all away. I smile when I think of Karen telling me the story. However, I never could do that. It's just not my style. And, now I’ve learned that type of physical exertion to vent anger doesn’t help. It can exacerbate the stress and emotions one is trying to release.
Interestingly, one of my healthiest outlets has been exercise. I was a competitive athlete.3 I rarely ran in anger. In my teenage years, I was relieved to be out of the house for several hours each day. When I was 13 years old, my coach Leroy4, was screaming at me. He had a tendency to yell to try to motivate, like some militant drill sergeant. He often scoffed that he had to "Break us down so he could build us back up." That never worked with me. One time during a very difficult interval training, LeRoy was screaming at me to "push through the pain."
I sucked in a big breath of air then exploded, "You'll get a lot more out of me with a carrot than a stick."5 For context, my father was an Army Ranger, a Master Sergeant who lead his troops through the jungles of the South Pacific during WWII. He ruled with tyrannical dominance and an iron fist. None of my AAU coach's little tantrums motivated me. My youth coach was a pussy cat compared to my father.
After I exploded at my coach, he paused. A light went on for him. He never used negative reinforcement with me again. Athletics was my escape to freedom, and getting into the zone of calming endorphins.6
As a 29 year old, I limped through the rage stage of my healing process. The struggle was daunting. There were times I would go for a long run and I couldn't shake the anger. In Paperdolls,7 I wrote about coming home from a run and wanting to punch my fist through the wall. Now, I’ve learned that adding my anger to a run increases more levels of cortisol and adrenaline. During that stage of my healing process, I wasn't getting the euphoria of the endorphins.
When I was in that place, it seemed like I was pissed off all the time. I was one angry person. Granted, I had a lot to be angry about. However, my rage frightened me. I didn't trust it and I didn't want to stay there. 8 Karen Fisher, my therapist, skillfully guided me through that turbulent phase.
Recently I read a fascinating article about how exercising and "burning off" anger and frustration only makes it worse.9
Jeff Haden, writes about the catharsis theory, "If you turn to a workout or another form of physical activity to burn off anger or frustration, you're not alone. One aspect of catharsis theory holds that releasing negative emotions like anger by physically expressing them both channels and releases those feelings. Think "Go on, get it all out of you."
You also might think feelings of anger or frustration can actually improve a workout. Anger triggers your fight-or-flight response, which increases your levels of cortisol and adrenaline. (Which, of course, also makes you feel even more stressed.…)"
This rings true for me. Although I have a strong athletic background, to manage my rage and anger -- I journaled. I still write, every single day. I also draw, listen to classical music, meditate, watch the birds in the yard, take long walks, and even do a little yoga.
I've known many suffering from trauma. Helplessly, I watch them ruminating the pain and launch into destructive means to try to force the pain away. Their ruminating catharsis is dated thinking with outdated techniques. It seems like they are in "hamster wheel” of circling ruminations. It's like watching a car stuck in the snow, flooring the gas, making the tires spin resulting in getting more stuck in the snow:
Last summer, I watched Parker's 6 year old son participate in the Utah Jazz 3 x 3. It's in a parking lot by the Delta Center. There are dozens of courts set up for all the various youth teams. It's hot especially on the black asphalt. There's popsicles, cold drinks, umbrellas, and a great time for all. However, on this day, a little tike on Parker's son's team accidentally threw an errant ball. It bounced the adjoining court and hit a man. AN ADULT MAN, about 40 years old.
This man stood up, picked up the ball, ran onto the adjoining court, and started screaming at the children. He was red faced, foul mouthed, and scaring the kids. I was scared. I knew it was hot on the asphalt, but sheesh buddy, get under an umbrella and have a popsicle. A couple of the little boys started crying, "Sorry, we didn't mean to." This further enraged the adult man. He lashed out accusing them of lying. He screamed, "I know you did it on purpose." I can't even repeat the foul things he said to these little kids.
Instantly, Parker stood up. He wasn't going to let anyone speak to his son in that fashion. Thankfully, for the sake of this highly agitated adult man--Parker is a gentle giant.10 By giant, I mean it. Parker was the quarterback of his football team. He's well over 6 ft tall. He has his black belt injiu-jitsu, plus he's trained in a type of Russian Street Fighting called "Systema." For a normal person, having someone of Parker's statue and physique rapidly approach would instantly calm them down. Not this guy. As Parker approached, the guy became more agitated. A group of us were watching. I hissed, "Ought oh, this manic is going to try to hit Parker. This isn't going to end well." The guy took a swing and missed. How in the world he could miss a brick wall, I'll never know (later Parker told me he simply swayed away from the flailing attempt). Security came and escorted the man away. Parker strode back, hugged his little boy and said, "That's an adult having a 2 year old temper tantrum." Parker's son asked, "I never acted like that, did I?" Parker said, "No. Not even close."
I smiled at Parker's little boy. He inquired, "Why would a dad act like that?" I glanced at Parker and his wife, "May I?" Both nodded.
"Sometimes adults don't know how to deal with their feelings. Sometimes they aren't even aware of them. All feelings are good. Feelings are like a compass. Feelings let you know what direction you are going."11
That made sense to Parker's 6-year-old son. He shrugged and ran off to resume his game.
As I've reflected about rage and anger, I thought of that man on that hot summer day. When I was in the throes of dealing with the sexual abuse I experienced as a child, would I have acted like that? I'm not positive, but I don't think so. I was in therapy. I wrote. Even in my most angry states, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have yelled at a group of kids for accidentally throwing a ball the wrong way.
I have no idea what was going on with this adult man. I just know, sometimes little kids might accidentally throw a ball wrong. It's not on purpose. Even if it was on purpose, there is no reason to act out that way.
Don't be like that guy. You can heal from this. You can work through the rage, learn to recognize it, even use the anger to give you energy to make healing choices.
Now, I have a rather normal ebb and flow of emotions in my life. I still get mad, but I'm not stuck in constant rage that it takes over my life--and I become the rage. Now, I have the ability to notice the short intervals of intense feelings.12
Here's a recent example of a recent angry flare up: I was pretty miffed when I read the recently released report from the Utah Women and Leadership Project. They found that 40% of Utahns don't view child sexual abuse as a significant problem in their communities. 13 I read this report during the same time period I learned that two adults from my childhood neighborhood died from suicide (a victim) and an observer who didn't do anything to stop the group from abusing us.
As I wrote in the "shredding" post, before my brother died in the mid 1970s, our Stake President's wife wrote, "In one small area of our community -- perhaps less than a quarter of a mile square, in the past five years, there have been ten young men between the ages of sixteen and twenty-five killed accidentally -- motorcycles, cars, or freak accidents, such as we experienced in our family."
That was in the 1970s. The suicides, the untimely deaths, the murders, the drugs, the prevalence of mental illness have compounded. I have some very strong feelings about the teenagers who abused me then disintegrated into inhumane adults: One kidnapped and murdered Kacie Woody, another kidnapped Elizabeth Smart, and another went on to marry my co-author's daughter wrecking havoc on an entire neighborhood of children--including his own--before he was caught again in his second marriage damaging and destroying more children is his wake. With prison being in his near future, he killed himself.
To those 40% who don't believe child sexual abuse is a problem in their neighborhood: I'm trying not to be enraged with you. I know the power of denial, but come on, you really don't want the pain for being there and not doing anything about it.
For me to curtail my frustration with our society's denial: I'll keep writing. I'll get a popsicle to cool off. I'll remember that when we first released Paperdolls: Healing from Sexual Abuse in Mormon Neighborhoods, in 1992, we were were ostracized, criticized and attacked--for even suggesting that child sex abuse might happen in a Mormon area. As the local television news blasted out the day the book was released, "Shock waves rock the Salt Lake Valley!"
In 1992 we probably had a 95% denial rate. Now, it's only 40%. That is progress. That means 60% of us realize that childhood sexual abuse is a problem. That sounds better. Looking at it that way helps with my anger. In 32 years, it's slow progress. But, it's progress.
When one is in pain, in this case our entire society, it's natural to try to alleviate the pain as quickly as possible. Thirty-two years is long enough. If it makes you mad also, please stay focused on the real problem. Don't be the out of control adult screaming at kids during a 3 x 3 basketball tournament. Don't project, blame and attack everyone you encounter because of the denial, betrayal and losses in your past. You can work through it. You can use anger as a tool to energize you to make positive changes in your life--and possibly help others.
And, I'll focus all my efforts in supporting you, my beloved survivors, in your healing process.
If I can do it, you can. I'd love to hear how you have learned to manage your anger without physically working out -- or relying on unhealthy coping mechanisms. (You know what those unhealthy actions are--if you have to hide it--it's probably unhealthy.) Please drop a note in the comments.
I added several links in the post where you can purchase Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots at full retail price. PLEASE REMEMBER: Since you are on this list, you are eligible to receive the book at cost or free of charge. If you are interested, please go here:
https://paperdollscowboyboots.com/
Click the “toggle” button in the middle of the page. Your screen will look like this:
Not his real name, but his middle name. If we got flippant with him, we'd often call him Leroy.
I was fully aware of the incident on the Paris subway when a group of my friends and I, BYU coeds, were attacked by a gang of Parisian Men. I snapped and went into such a rage, that if my friends had not of pulled me off the leader of the gang, I might have killed him. See Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots, page 300
Parker's nature is calm. Plus, Parker is the one who lost his cowboy boots at the tender age of 4 years old. Laurel, his mother, took away Parker's beloved Cowboy boots after Parker kicked his older brother, Burton, one too many times. This true story is why I revised the title of the book to Paperdolls & Cowboy Boots.
I'd recently watched this 6 year old playing in the yard with friends. They used a compass to build a treasure hunt. I was quite confident this 6 year old would understand the compass analogy.
If you are feeling constantly in a state of rage or depression, so much so that it seems that's a character trait or who you are — I suggest getting some external help. Accredited, evidence based, licensed therapy can help guide you through those times you feel stuck in a certain stage. See 5 Item Checklist to Find a Good Therapist.
If I can do it, you can. I'd love to hear how you have learned to manage your anger without physically working out -- or relying on unhealthy coping mechanisms. (You know what those unhealthy actions are--if you have to hide it--it's probably unhealthy.) Please drop a note in the comments.
I can only deal by withdrawals. What's magnificent about you is that you keep up the battle against this scourge. Thank you.